what I'm doing with imperfection

This is me. With the thirty or so pounds I wanted to lose before going on a big European vacation. Instead, they're coming with me.

With the uncertainty about how I'll sleep, or get on with being gluten free in Germany, Denmark, France and England.

Yep, this is me. 

I have only one choice here with this disappointment that I didn't meet the goal that I wanted to. 

One choice in being gluten free in Europe.

My one choice is acceptance.

Acceptance of my imperfection. And, thankful for the gifts of imperfection, really. 

Because it makes me more aware that just because I'm going to Germany and Denmark on a business trip with my husband, and then ending up in England to see my daughter (after six months of her being there on a Gap Year project), this trip will not be perfect, because nothing in life is perfect! 

So, I have my imperfect self to thank for reminding me of this. 
For reminding me to accept myself in all of my imperfection. (no bikini body here. No going into any restaurant I want and ordering anything I want.)

Instead, learning the word for "gluten free" in three foreign languages and being ready with it on a piece of paper (or my cell phone) to hold up when we go out for dinner. My dear husband's suggestion. 

Oh, so romantic! Dinner at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, and I get out my little piece of paper with the French word for "gluten free" on it. 

It is what it is. 

And, I choose to accept it, because I choose to accept ME. 

So, here's to a three week European vacation with my sweetheart including joining up with two of our grown kids. 

Here's to me loving myself in all of my imperfections and enjoying each and every moment this holiday has to offer me.

Here's to staring at the Eiffel Tower all lit up at night. Here's to holding my husband's hand as we go for a walk in Denmark. Here's to us driving to Wartburg Castle in Germany and laughing in the car because we can't read road signs.

Here's to having that little piece of paper and my courage and acceptance ready at all times. 

Here's to me. Here's to us.

Here's to all blessings that will unfold in each moment. 



Thanks for stopping by today, friends!!

Blessings, 

Anne

Linking up today with others at Coffee For Your Heart.

To let go of outcomes

The teacher at a training session I went to last year had a phrase that she repeated more than once. I'm glad she repeated it because it took a few times for it to sink in. The phrase was:

"let go of outcomes."

I had never heard of that before. I mean maybe in different words I'd heard that. But, this phrase really spoke to me.

I think because most of the time in my life I have held tightly to outcomes.

I want a happy marriage so what can I do?

I want well adjusted smart children, so what must I do to ensure that?

I want to be liked, and well-loved by everyone. What must I do?

What I heard again and again in this class (even tho the class was not on this topic specifically) was to let go of outcomes. let go of the illusion of control that I have of how things turn out.

Oh, yes, I have some control. It's not that I give up all control. But, there is a limit to what I can control. I cannot control another persons actions, for example.

I can teach and train my child in the ways that I want him to go, the ways that I believe are right, but in the end, my child has a free will and will decide one way or another.

seen on Facebook this week

That decision and the myriads of decisions of others' are out of my control. What is in my control are my choices. My decisions.

Lord, help me to be open to the idea of letting go of outcomes. I know my life will go so much better.

Amen.

Thanks for stopping by, friend!

Anne


Linking up with other writers at Five Minute Friday today for 5 minutes of free writing. Unedited. Today's prompt is "open". 

The paradox

Is all of life a letting go and a reaching forward?

What a paradox!

Letting go of the past to reach for the future

Letting go of pain to reach for healing

Letting go of sadness to reach for joy

Letting go of what is to reach to what is next.

Pressing up toward God.

Pressing in to my purpose.

This is my prayer.

Today.

A ditty on turning fifty

 "Oprah is sixty!", I said, feeling all smug-like. (I know now, I'm one year ahead of myself here.)

To that, my daughter in law scrunched up her face and said, "No way!" 

"Yeah!", I said. "You'd never know that would you! See, people will think that about me, too. They'll say, "No way! she can't be fifty!" And, we laughed.

"Age really is just a number.", I added, not feeling fifty. 

Looking at me with a grin, my twenty five year old son told me, "I think you need to embrace it." 

That really stuck with me, like a gift. Although I'm not sure he knew he was giving a gift. Embrace and accept the age that I'm given. The stage I am in life. This is the surest way to a life of gratitude and joy.

Age really is just a number. I'm gonna leave it at that.

--Anne

days where you need to dig deep

Today seems a bit dark. It feels like life is closing in with it's gray gnarled fingers and threatening to choke every last shred of joy and creativity out of me. On a day like today, it feels like I am a party of one. Maybe it's just lack of sleep.

It's on days (and nights) like I'm having recently that I need to dig deep into the well where my faith resides. Dig deep to find the gems hidden there that can breathe new life into my sagging mood and motivation. Sometimes even digging seems overwhelming. 

Today I am reminded how I need to lean, trust and rely on God. For everything. I've read that verse hundreds of times in my lifetime and I am tempted to gloss over the facts. 

This morning, feeling like I need to be in control over something that I am currently not able to control, this verse jumped out at me. So many times what I know to be true in my head after many years of following Jesus, hasn't made it's way down the several inches to my heart.

Today lean, trust and rely moved a couple more inches towards my heart. If I am leaning, trusting and relying on God to do things for me that I absolutely cannot do, what is there that I need to control? Nothing. Leaning, trusting and relying on Someone else must mean that I can be resting. What a novel idea that is. Rest.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (amplified Bible)

How about you? Do you ever feel like there are days when you need to remind yourself that Someone else in in charge?

Letter to Teenage Me

 

Emily Freeman over at Chattingatthesky.com has invited anyone who wants to write a letter to their teenage self to do so, and link up to her site. She is an awesome author who has just released a book for teenage girls called Graceful (gracefulthebook.com).  I read Emily's book, Grace For the Good Girl, and it was such an encouragement to me. I can't recommend it highly enough for those of you who always feel you need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Here is my letter to teenage me.

Dear Teenage Anne,

Ever since I can remember, you've felt like you had to be this perfect, grown up self. Always pleasing everyone around you to the point of really becoming Chameleon Girl to keep people around you happy. I'm here to take some of that pressure off. You're about sick to death of people telling you what you can and can't do, even to the point of what you like and don't like. I'm here to tell you, it's okay to be YOU. 

Yes, everyone around you has expectations for how "Anne" should be. It's going to be that way into your adulthood. I'm going to try not to just inundate you with more advice. What I want to do is just remind you who you already are, and to remind you to celebrate that as much as you can.

* * * * * * * * *

When mom and dad divorced when you were six, you had to grow up pretty fast. You had a default setting to act older than you really were. You couldn't help it. In some respects, it was expected of you. You had to watch over little brother when migrating between states for parental visitations. This was kind of scary sometimes, but you did it, and you did it well. I am so proud of you. 

God wired you to be highly sensitive. Yes, that is a "type" of personality. It is an honor really, because it makes you very sensitive to the feelings of others. You grow up to be a real encourager. However, the downside is that you need to be able to be alone sometimes, and well, you don't get much of that. Consequently, you are under stress lots of times with no outlets. I am sorry for that, dear Anne. I want to tell you that it is okay to want to be alone sometimes. Take that some way, some how, if you can. Your 49 year old body will thank you for learning self-care at a younger age. I know, though, how hard it is to find your true self...to assert yourself for what you really need. You will learn that along the way though. 

You worry a lot about goofing up. It's okay to make mistakes. Everyone does. No one is perfect, even though lots of people around you put on the "perfection masks" around you to try to make you think they are perfect. Don't buy into that lie. We all learn from our mistakes. God causes all things to work together for your good anyway. (Romans 8:28). 

Bottom line, my friend? You are beautiful inside and out. 

It's good and okay for you to want to be alone. For you to have your own opinions, likes, dislikes from everyone else. God created you to be Anne, not a carbon copy of someone else. 

You have a tender heart which is precious to God. Keep it tender. Seek after Him with your whole heart. When you are seventeen, a boy who you thought you loved will break your heart. You will turn to God because He is really the only One you have. You will feel like no one else understands your deep feelings of alone-ness, abandonment and rejection like He does. He will get you through, my friend. He becomes a very close Companion to see you through the good days and not so good days of your future life. Cling to Him, Anne. His love satisfies and will not ever fail you. 

As far as the man you marry that you are so concerned about not finding? You meet him right after the romance gone bad, and after the lowest point you've been yet. You will see later that God used that broken romance to turn your heart completely to Him.

I'm not going go into every detail about your future life. Just know that as you trust God, He is always there. He sees every one of your tears. He brings you many joys. He loves. He cares. 

I want you to know that I love you and I approve of all you are and all you will become.

I'll be here if you need me.

Love, 40-Something Me

***********

About ten years ago, I joined a class called Christ Life Solutions (now renamed The Ultimate Journey theultimatejourney.org). During the twelve sessions, we wrote letters back and forth to our younger selves to basically go back and rescue the child we used to be. If you are in need of healing from your past, I highly recommend this class.

How to live a joy-filled life

Today, my daughter turns 19. She has taught me a lot in her nineteen years.  In her honor, I've come up with the top 10 things that I've learned from her. Here goes.


1. Be yourself. She isn't afraid to just be herself, in whatever situation she's in. She lives carefree, and that is something to be admired. I tend to get bogged down in who I think others want me to be and stop being my real self.

2.  Believe you have something to say.  She started a book review vlog a year and a half ago. She has gotten some negative, and some downright nasty feedback at times. That does not stop her from just putting her two cents out there. 

3.  Don't take life too seriously. She started her freshman year at Iowa State this past fall. She met a lot of great friends from her dorm floor and at the campus ministry. Thankfully, she was very faithful to post pictures of her shenanigans all year on Facebook. From funny videos in the dining center to doing planking on campus, they had fun. My synopsis is that she had more fun in her first year of college than I had in all four years of mine.

4.  Enjoy the simple things. Trying on clothes as a four year old was an event for her. After slipping on each outfit, she would do a little dance in front of the mirror, kicking up her heels, or hand on her hip. This was an event worth celebrating! A week ago, she tried on a fancy dress, took a pic and posted it on Facebook. When she tried it on at home, she twirled in it to show her dad. Simply, joy!

5.  Don't let other people's opinions stop you. Even just to do a blog post, I have to push past the fear of what other people might think of my writing. Or my style. Or just me. There are so many things that Kara has done, or tried, that I admire. Recently, she took out her grade school water color set after seeing an idea on Pinterest. Next thing I know, she comes out of her room having water colored the Iron Man and Captain America emblems. And they are GOOD. Yes, she water colored OUTSIDE THE LINES, but it looks great. She doesn't let that bother her.  I would berate myself for coloring outside the lines and throw the thing away. I mean it. 

6.  Be hospitable. I tend to worry about the tidiness of my home. I use that as a gauge on whether or not I would accept for anyone to see it. Not Kara. She has had her two best friends over several times this summer. Our house is not Better Homes and Gardens perfect. Kara just says, "Mom, they don't care. Their houses aren't perfect either." You know what? I've really enjoyed having them in our home, and I'm learning that other people really do not judge me for having a few things out on the kitchen table that don't belong there. 

7.  Watch movies, especially Sci-Fi. You just might connect on a cool level with your dad and two older brothers. :)

8.  Hang out with people. Relationships are important to Kara. She cares about people, and it shows in how many people really like to spend time with her. She attracts people because of her kindness and her humor. I want to be like that. 

9.  Be a learner. Need a new keyboard installed on your laptop? If you are Kara, you watch a youtube video and teach yourself. She taught herself how to play a ukulele, and how to water color. She has gotten several viruses off of her computer by herself. She has written a novel during National Novel Writing Month. I don't want to shy away from learning new things.

10.  Love God enough to get uncomfortable. At Iowa State she took a class in prep to be a small group leader in her campus ministry. It was called Theology of the Gospel, and it was pretty hard core. They had to memorize a verse a week. They also had to find two people a week to give a questionnaire of the Gospel to. This made Kara very uncomfortable, but she did it. She approached a classmate to ask questions about their belief in Jesus. What an example 
to me! 

Thanks Kara, for what you have taught me in your nineteen years. Thanks also, that even at nineteen you have not forgotten how to live with a carefree and joyful heart. Don't ever let that slip away from you!

Love, Mom

When your bowls don't match

I've always had this vague sense that I needed to be perfect. I must always show happiness. Anything less than that would cause distress to those around me. 

My kids must behave perfectly. Otherwise, others would think I don't have it together as a mom. 

My house must be perfect. Otherwise, people who might stop by might think I'm a slob.

I should be the perfect cook. Plan perfect meals for my family from all of the food groups. All the time.  In fact, absolute perfection would be to plan, shop AND COOK once a month. Period. No running to the grocery store every week, (or worse yet every day)!

My marriage should be the model relationship. Date nights once a week. Husband opens every door for me, and I should get flowers once a week. (This is just for starters! Poor man!)

Our yard should be immaculate. No weeds. No brown spots. Anywhere. (again, poor man!)