when you're picked last

Do you remember grade school recess? I do. Some were fun. Some, not so much. 

I wasn't very athletic, and I was a little chubby. I was pretty much one of the last to be picked for the team, whatever game was being played that day. 

Funny, how most of the games that were played in grade school involved running. I think about that now, and I wonder why? 

Hmm. Thinking out loud here.

Sometimes i can feel "picked last" as an adult. 

Oh, it's not the same. I'm not playing kickball or Pump Pump Pull Away, but I can feel picked last anyway.

I'm realizing that this feeling is something I've carried over from childhood. Digging deep, I realize that by being picked last for games, and coming in dead last at the annual "Fun Day", I started to equate being last with my worth.

Not a good combination.

I started reading a book this week that has begun to heal this feeling of being "picked last", or to put it another way, low self-esteem.

The grocery store clerk isn't always silently mocking me. People probably aren't talking behind my back.

Lysa Terkeurst used the term "live loved" in her book Uninvited. 

 I soaked that phrase up like a damp sponge.

I think that's the key to kicking the feeling of being "picked last" in life.

I'm going to start reminding myself that I'm loved deeply.

I'm going to say, "live loved" to myself a lot.

I hope you do, too. Because it's true.

Blessings to you, friend. Let's live loved.

Anne

Linking up today with other writers for Five Minute Friday. Head on over to Kate Motaung's blog to find out about it, or join in. Today's prompt is "team".

eyes wide open: how I became my own best friend {day 10}

I write letters to myself.  (see Letter to Teenage Me post)

I learned how valuable this tool can be in a class I took about eleven years ago called Christ Life Solutions (now called The Ultimate Journey). The idea is to become an ally (or friend) to the child you used to be, or the adult you are now. 

You can write to yourself about a current situation you are facing. Maybe you are so angry at someone that you just don't know how to proceed in the relationship. Writing a letter to yourself can give clarity that sometimes just plain journal keeping cannot. It can really help you see the situation differently.

I have written many, many letters to myself. You know, for the times when I just can't get my mind and emotions around something that happened to me. Or there's something that someone did to me, and I want and need to forgive them but can't for the life of me see how that could ever happen. Sometimes my emotions are too much in the way of making a good decision in a situation. Writing a letter to myself in those times has been so very, very healing.

What matters is that you tell yourself what a wise and awesome person you are. (smile) You affirm yourself about what you know in your heart the truth is about yourself and the situation you're facing, even if your emotions don't want to let you in on the truth.

When I was a young girl between the ages of about six and ten, I was pretty pudgy. I didn't feel good about myself at all. For some reason, I had a pink dress that had an elephant shaped belt buckle on it! Now, I ask you, who in their right mind would design such a thing for a young girl's dress? It is beyond me! Seems to me, that is a set up for getting teased. And, it was. And, it was hurtful. I am 49 and I still remember it and it did some damage to my young emotions.

 I still struggle with body image. But, I've learned a thing or two over the years. I've learned to affirm my younger self, instead of despise myself. 

I found this picture of myself with the elephant belt buckle on it a few days ago. I think nine year old Anne still needs to hear from me about this. She needs to know that she's precious. That God loves her and values her no matter what people say about her or her dress. She'll be getting a letter from me soon.


see day 1 for a list of all 31 posts

Letter to Teenage Me

 

Emily Freeman over at Chattingatthesky.com has invited anyone who wants to write a letter to their teenage self to do so, and link up to her site. She is an awesome author who has just released a book for teenage girls called Graceful (gracefulthebook.com).  I read Emily's book, Grace For the Good Girl, and it was such an encouragement to me. I can't recommend it highly enough for those of you who always feel you need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Here is my letter to teenage me.

Dear Teenage Anne,

Ever since I can remember, you've felt like you had to be this perfect, grown up self. Always pleasing everyone around you to the point of really becoming Chameleon Girl to keep people around you happy. I'm here to take some of that pressure off. You're about sick to death of people telling you what you can and can't do, even to the point of what you like and don't like. I'm here to tell you, it's okay to be YOU. 

Yes, everyone around you has expectations for how "Anne" should be. It's going to be that way into your adulthood. I'm going to try not to just inundate you with more advice. What I want to do is just remind you who you already are, and to remind you to celebrate that as much as you can.

* * * * * * * * *

When mom and dad divorced when you were six, you had to grow up pretty fast. You had a default setting to act older than you really were. You couldn't help it. In some respects, it was expected of you. You had to watch over little brother when migrating between states for parental visitations. This was kind of scary sometimes, but you did it, and you did it well. I am so proud of you. 

God wired you to be highly sensitive. Yes, that is a "type" of personality. It is an honor really, because it makes you very sensitive to the feelings of others. You grow up to be a real encourager. However, the downside is that you need to be able to be alone sometimes, and well, you don't get much of that. Consequently, you are under stress lots of times with no outlets. I am sorry for that, dear Anne. I want to tell you that it is okay to want to be alone sometimes. Take that some way, some how, if you can. Your 49 year old body will thank you for learning self-care at a younger age. I know, though, how hard it is to find your true self...to assert yourself for what you really need. You will learn that along the way though. 

You worry a lot about goofing up. It's okay to make mistakes. Everyone does. No one is perfect, even though lots of people around you put on the "perfection masks" around you to try to make you think they are perfect. Don't buy into that lie. We all learn from our mistakes. God causes all things to work together for your good anyway. (Romans 8:28). 

Bottom line, my friend? You are beautiful inside and out. 

It's good and okay for you to want to be alone. For you to have your own opinions, likes, dislikes from everyone else. God created you to be Anne, not a carbon copy of someone else. 

You have a tender heart which is precious to God. Keep it tender. Seek after Him with your whole heart. When you are seventeen, a boy who you thought you loved will break your heart. You will turn to God because He is really the only One you have. You will feel like no one else understands your deep feelings of alone-ness, abandonment and rejection like He does. He will get you through, my friend. He becomes a very close Companion to see you through the good days and not so good days of your future life. Cling to Him, Anne. His love satisfies and will not ever fail you. 

As far as the man you marry that you are so concerned about not finding? You meet him right after the romance gone bad, and after the lowest point you've been yet. You will see later that God used that broken romance to turn your heart completely to Him.

I'm not going go into every detail about your future life. Just know that as you trust God, He is always there. He sees every one of your tears. He brings you many joys. He loves. He cares. 

I want you to know that I love you and I approve of all you are and all you will become.

I'll be here if you need me.

Love, 40-Something Me

***********

About ten years ago, I joined a class called Christ Life Solutions (now renamed The Ultimate Journey theultimatejourney.org). During the twelve sessions, we wrote letters back and forth to our younger selves to basically go back and rescue the child we used to be. If you are in need of healing from your past, I highly recommend this class.