It might not be what you thought

I was once absolutely SURE of what my God sized dream was! I would have put money on it. I was banking on it! 

Why, I don't know. Who can figure out God?
And, I cannot predict the future.

Three years ago I was busy, busy busy applying for a specific grad school out in Washington. Through a series of serendipitous events, I was sure that this specific school, this exact vocation was what God was leading me to do. 

I was wrong. And, then I fell kind of hard when it didn't happen.

Putting all my eggs in the "this is what God has told me to do" basket was a real let down when I found out I was carrying the wrong basket of eggs.

But, in hindsight (isn't it always 20/20?) I"ve been learning a few things. Here are six things I've learned about having a God-sized dream.

1.  Dreaming is one thing, but it might not turn out the way you thought it would.

I've had a long time dream to be a Counselor. The program I wanted to attend is for Counseling Psychology. Through events with my husband getting a much wanted change in his current job, and not finding a job in Washington, we decided to stay in Iowa. This meant, no school in Washington for me, and none for the foreseeable future either.

What could I do? First of all, I grieved the loss of that dream. It took awhile. That step is very important. It was truly a loss for me. 

Then, I began to be open to what God might want to do for and through me whilst staying in little ole' Iowa. Through my sister-in-law, I found out about Emotional Polarity Technique practitioner training in Indiana. After praying, I decided, this was something I could get excited about (eptworks.com). 

It wasn't exactly the dream I had for going to Washington to grad school, but it was in line with my dream. I want to help people heal emotionally. This is one way, a holistic-health-way, of helping people let go of unhealthy emotions. A win.

2. Having faith and being flexible are not mutually exclusive.

If it makes sense, it seems like I had more faith in my faith, than in what God wanted to do. As I said before, Who can figure out God? The good thing is, He does like to surprise His children. And, He loves us unconditionally. I can trust Him in that. And, I learned I needed to be flexible and filled with faith at the same time. That may seem unclear.

3. Have a dream, but keep it in open hands, not closed fists.

I wrote a post about this during the thick of my waiting. Better to keep a loose hold on things and people. This includes dreams.

4. Asking God what His dream is for you is a good idea! Then, listen.

This is a step I don't remember blatantly doing. I did a lot of praying. But, a lot of the praying was, "God, open the doors for me to do this thing."

5. Be willing to sit with ambiguity.

For two years, we looked for a job for my husband where the school was. We waited. It was hard. We had to live with not knowing what we were doing for a long time. I think that most of my growth happened during this hard waiting time. Don't despise waiting.

6. Your God-sized dream may not end up to be what you thought it would, but it will probably be better.

Sometimes I ask myself if I think that what I'm doing now is better than what I really wanted a couple of years ago. And, I have to say that yes, even though I'd love to go to grad school some day (and that is not out of the question), I know that where I'm at is right where God wants me. Right now.

I'm living the dream. I'm not waiting for it to happen someday. I'm living it right now.

Thanks so much for stopping by today, friend!
If you have a God-sized Dream, or are waiting on one, I'd love to hear from you in the comments!


Blessings to you!

~Anne

Linking up today with Coffee for Your Heart, Three Word Wednesday and #TellHisStory.

what might come next

For a few years now, it’s felt like I’ve been doing a balancing act.

In one hand is the past, and all the blessings and memories that go along with it, and in the other hand is the future, with all it’s unknowns and mysteries. 

Mysteries that are yet to be discovered. 

Mysteries that await.

This must be what middle age is about because I think this unsettledness about the in-between between the past and the future settled in about the time that my third child entered college. She is now a recent graduate.

For the three years that was her accelerated college career, I was busy at home trying to reinvent myself. I mean, my whole career was Mom. I didn’t have a career outside of the home. So, my job was now officially over.

I had this dream to go to grad school. I even applied. I got accepted. And, we tried to get employment for my husband in the city where the school was. 

For two years. 

Then, that season was over, when my husband got a promotion into a job at his current company, and loves it.

What about my dream? 

I still hold this dream of furthering my education in my hands and in my heart. But, I have learned a valuable lesson in the two years that we were looking and dreaming about moving to the west coast. 

I have learned that I need to hold my dreams, the big ones and the small ones, in an open hand and not a closed fist. I need to be open to the fact that that dream that I thought was so engraved in me, and would surely happen, might not happen in the way I thought it would.

It took me some time to adjust my expectations. 

I took some time to grieve, but my hands are still open. My heart is still dreaming of what might come next. 

Blessings to you friend,

~Anne

Linking up (a little late) with Five Minute Friday, where writers gather once a week to silence the inner critic and just write for five minutes straight. Last week's prompt was "hold". 

On open and closed doors

On my farm growing up, we had a screen door on our back porch. We would enter through this door and try not to let it slam shut, which would take us inside the enclosed back porch. 

On one end, in a corner, was this very small but tall triangular closet made out of whitewashed bead board with a tall skinny door in the middle with a latch. In this tiny closet would hang my dad's work overalls. The ones for summer that looked like striped denim and the ones for winter which were insulated. 

Next to this closet was the door that took us from the porch into the house. It wasn't really an insulated door. More like just a regular door with the top half being windows we could see through.


Doors keep the heat out and the cold in. They keep the heat in and the cold out. They form boundaries for us where we need them. 

Usually with physical doors, we can control when we open and shut them, at least that is what we hope. We hope that our door isn't plowed through by some unwelcome intruder.

Rarely do we want a door to remain closed that we want open. Especially if we are dreamers.

Lately it seems my family is having encounters with doors. My husband walked through a new door two weeks ago into a new job. A new career from Engineering into Marketing. He waited at least three years for that door to open. (many more actually) Many prayers were pleaded for a door like this to open. It finally opened and much rejoicing has been happening over this open door!

My son has been waiting nine months since college graduation for a door to open for a full time job with benefits. Next week, he will joyfully walk through that door that has been prayed for. The wait has not been easy. We are grateful.

But, what about those doors that we pray for that don't seem to open when we want them to, or maybe not at all?

Like the healing door that we've been praying for a loved one or ourselves for months.

Or, maybe you've been praying for a door to open for a new job or a new relationship or a new house.

We are created to desire new and adventurous things, so it can be disheartening when we badly want a door to open and it doesn't seem to budge. 

The hinges are rusty and the door is crusty and it seems completely immovable.

In a certain way, I've been behind a proverbial closed door for three years. The door to my dream of attending a specific graduate school has continued to remain shut. I've asked lots of questions, grieved, and have finally come to peace with it.

My husband's new job is right where we are, so we won't be moving to the Northwest, near that desired school any time soon.

But, finally, I can see a tiny crack opening in the dingy old door that's been seemingly blocking my path. The one I've put claw marks in trying to make open through my sheer will power.

I've had to look for the tiny opening. The sliver of light.

Instead of staring at the closed door in disbelief and anger, I've had to look for the tiny opening that might provide the consolation.

Doors can be friends or foes depending on what side of them we are on and what side we'd rather be on.

May we continue to pray for open doors where we'd like them. 
May we keep dreaming.

But, may we keep looking for the tiny speck of light that might already be shining through that closed door that might give us guidance and consolation on our journey.

Linking up today with Holley Gerth's Coffee for Your Heart and with Beth at Three Word Wednesday.

if you feel small

Today is Friday. The day where hundreds of writers link up at Lisa Jo Baker's blog for five minutes of unedited writing. Just for the fun of it. Won't you join? Today's prompt is the word "small".

Both my husband and I are big dreamers. 

We keep looking for that next big thing that God is going to do in our lives. 

We’re both looking and hoping and dreaming to have a big impact for God in the last half of our lives. 

It’s almost a burning passion. It’s making us impatient. It feels like an urgency.

But, I know the truth.

I know it’s the small things that really matter.

Even if we might feel invisible and insignificant now, we aren’t. 

The small choices and decisions that we make on a moment by moment basis are what truly matter. 

It’s those that make the biggest impact.

It’s the hand that we grab to show compassion.

The phone call we decide to make even though we’re tired.

Opening the door to someone in need.

Contributing our time to those who need it.

Sharing a conversation and a meal with someone who might be lonely.

I want to keep noticing the small things. Especially if they are done with a loving heart.

I want to keep believing that the little ways I contribute

with my words

with my compassion

with love

will really be the things that matter in the long run.

I will probably still feel invisible, insignificant and unworthy at times.

And, maybe you will too.

Let's keep believing the truth.

And like the coin, the sheep and the birds,

we are worthy.

What we do is significant.

And we are deeply and completely loved by God.

{The coin, the sheep and the birds refer to places in the Bible where Jesus tells stories of these small things that are seemingly insignificant, but are worthy of His attention. See Luke 15:8 and Luke 15:4}

Thanks for stopping today, friend!

Blessings to you,

Notes on a compass with no needle

I'm standing in an open expanse, holding a compass with no needle. 

Who carries a compass with no needle?

Useless! 

Carrying a compass with no needle leads to circle-making in the sand. 

Round and round I go with no direction, no aim. 

Purposeless. 

Being tossed around by each wave that washes up to shore.

Where is my rudder? Where is my true north? 

Walking in the wind and sand, I look back to see that my footprints are being filled in as I walk.

There's no turning back, because there will be NO. WAY.

I look forward, still holding that useless compass with no needle. The sand swirling around my ankles. 

Where do I turn? 

What direction do I take?

I'm left with this empty compass in my hand. This useless instrument meant for guidance, but now just a burden to carry. 

To carry me to what? I do not know.

I want to be walking. But, to where?

I want to be going. Forward. Forward.

But with no destination in sight, I'm paralyzed in my own footprints. 

Palm outstretched, it only holds the needle-less compass. No more holding the promise of a dream fulfilled. But, holding the emptiness of a dream possibly swept away.

If I let go of it altogether, where will I be?

The weight may be lifted, but then the dream is really gone, and may not ever return.

Am I okay with that?

Am I okay with the fact that the dream may change, and I may never dream it in the same way again?

Will I be content with just Him? 

{linking up at The Weekend Brew}

Dear America...

This week at holleygerth.com, we were encouraged to write a letter of encouragement to a fellow God Sized dreamer. I realize I took some creative license this week in writing this kind of a letter, but America has been on my mind especially today, The National Day of Prayer.


Dear America,

You were birthed with God Sized Dreams. I don't really think about that too much. I have many, many benefits of living on your soil. Thank you for all that you make possible for me.


I want to urge you not to forget your roots. The roots where God was given glory. The way your Constitution was formed from Biblical principles. The way God's Word was elevated inside and outside of your schools and families.

We've drifted away. 

I want to remind you that there is still good in you. That 'good' is from God. All of the blessings we still experience are because of His glorious work in you.  

We can worship freely.
We drink clean water.
We are free to vote as we choose.
We have fertile soil.


The list could go on and on.

I want you to know I am committed to furthering the good that is in you. I am committed to the core beliefs you were founded on. I lift up the God who made your birth possible.

America, keep dreaming your God Sized Dreams.

And His blessings will keep flowing to you.

Anne

Psalm 33:12

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people he chose for his inheritance.

God, the Fascinating One

Isaiah 18:4

For thus the Lord has said to me: I will be still and I will look on from My dwelling place, 

like clear and glowing heat in sunshine, like a fine cloud of mist in the heat of harvest.

This verse was a tweet I ran across the other morning. I found it fascinating! I decided to do a little dissecting of this verse since it intrigued me. 

God talks about His 'dwelling place.' Wait! I thought God was everywhere at once! And yet, He talks about His "house" or the place that He is. I love this description He does of Himself.


I've been thinking a lot lately about how God says "Be still" to me. But, it's a new thought for me that God describes Himself as being still. Really? I've usually thought of God in terms of Him moving somehow in my life or in the lives of others. God being still. Hm. That's a new one.

God compares His overseeing of the events on earth to clear heat in sunshine. This sounds weird at first. Heat is something we don't see, but we feel it on our skin. It affects us. Makes us perspire. Comparatively, we don't see God directly, as in His face. We cannot often see Him while He's right there doing his thing in our lives, but afterwards we know that He has been there! He is a most mysterious God and we see the effects His presence has in our lives. 

He also compares how He 'looks on' us to a 'fine cloud of mist in the heat of harvest.' A fine cloud of mist is also not very noticeable, but you can feel it on your skin if you walk through it. It will make you damp.

Heat warms the skin, a mist cools the skin. God compares Himself to both of these effects which He Himself created! He is everything and beyond understanding.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, that even though You are mysterious and beyond understanding, You want to be known by us so you describe your mysterious self to us in words we can grasp. 

Lord, I praise You that You are beyond finding out. You are so big and mighty and I know You are in control, even though I don't understand many times what You are up to. I am comforted knowing You are in charge and I don't have to be. 

Amen

linking up with other God-sized dreamers at holleygerth.com. Join in!

Who's your daddy?

“Fear hangs out right next to whatever it is you’re most called to do. That means the closer you get to your calling, the louder fear sounds. Keep going–fear is a chihuahua that sounds like a Doberman.” —You’re Made for a God-sized Dream, Chapter Five

This week, Holley (who's book is You're Made for a God-sized Dream) is encouraging us God-sized dreamers to write a letter to the "chihuahua of fear", because fear's bark is bigger than his bite. Here's my letter.

Source: Pinterest

Dear Chihuahua of fear,

Ever since I can remember, you have been yipping at my heels by day and staring at me with your beady eyes at night.

I think you started hanging around regularly in kindergarten, when mom left dad and took me and little brother with her. Oh, I didn’t ask for you. I didn’t want you. But, there you were, causing real-life nightmares at night, I-need-to-go-home-from-school stomach aches, and later on in college--the migraines.

What made you think you could hang around and prey on an innocent young girl’s dreams? Who told you that you had a right?

Now that I have a lot of experience and more years than I’d like to admit under my belt, I can see right through you. You don’t belong to me. You were never wanted, chosen or cherished. (in case you ever wondered)

Oh, I still battle you, but I realize that just as your bark is bigger than your bite, your words don’t hold any weight when they are measured up to the heavy-weight of the Word.  So, just in case you've forgotten what I've already told you dozens of times, I’ll gladly repeat myself.

I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I listen to His voice, not yours.

I don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to me.

When you try to scare me in my dreams, I will always stare you back down and remind you who you are.

When you whisper to me that I’m not enough, I will say back, I am enough in Christ.

When your close friend Shame taps me on the shoulder, I will say, “No. I am the righteousness of God, in Christ. There is no condemnation for this girl!”

And, my hand-made-from-God-sized dream? I say, take your paws off of God’s property!!

My Daddy-God says to me, “Do not fear, I am with you. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will hold you up with My hand.”

See there, Chihuahua of fear? That’s my Daddy speaking and He has the final Word.

Who’s your daddy?

linking up today with other God-sized dreamers at holleygerth.com

When God keeps leaning

She said, "I've lost my faith in God. I don't believe anymore that Jesus is divine. I don't believe anymore that the Bible is completely true." What? I could hardly think. I hung up the phone in stunned disbelief. 

My mind just could not wrap around this new information. How could someone who called herself a devout follower of Jesus before grad school, go to a seminary and end up like this? Without faith? And, what was someone who was supposed to be encouraging me in my own journey-to-my-dream doing telling me these things? I was utterly speechless.

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I had finally made the decision to pick up the phone and call her after reading a chapter in Holley Gerth's Do What You Can Plan. I'd been hanging on to her phone number for months with the intention to call. {do you ever do that?} I expected to get some encouragement in my journey to grad school. What I got instead was an earful of discouraging words. Words of lost faith and lost hope.

My internal world shifted. I started to really doubt my dream.

The dream I've had for several years to attend The Seattle School in the Counseling Psychology program. My dream of going back to get my master's as an empty-nester. My dream to actually have a dream of my own since my own kids have grown. Did I really want to go somewhere that tested the waters of my faith so much that I would lose it?  What do I do now? I have no Plan B-dream!

I pushed through some fear and called an old friend who I hadn't talked with in fifteen years. 

She was a blessing. She eased my fears. She agreed with me that this was shocking. She wondered with me how this woman had come to this loss-of-faith.  But mostly she encouraged me to keep going. To keep my dream. And, to keep the faith that God is working, speaking and leading.

Honestly, I've had more doubts about everything in the past two months and have not even had much creativity or motivation to write much on here {obviously!}. My admittance to the grad school is for this coming fall 2013. But, it all hinges on my husband getting a job in Seattle. And nothing is happening on that front yet. Nothing. {God, what are you doing?}

People keep asking me, "Why don't you just take online classes? Why not a school around here?" No. Not yet. God is leaning this school heavily on me. Still.

My passion to counsel women who need truth and a touch of grace in their lives pushes me on. I've told God, "I'm going to keep pursuing this dream until you absolutely say no." In the mean time, I am still waiting on His yes.

I'm linking up with other God Sized Dreamers today at holleygerth.com

God's hand is on the combination

One thing I have often done in times that I'm waiting on God to do something (for a dream I have) is to pray "Lord, pour out your wisdom on me." He answers this prayer. Sometimes quietly, where I hardly notice anything right away. Sometimes it seems tangible. It seemed so yesterday.


What followed that prayer are words and a picture in my mind of God holding a padlock in His large hands. A combination lock with a numbered dial. His hand is on the dial and he is turning it to get to the exact combination for my dream. I loved the word picture and the paragraphs that came to me. I hope it encourages you whatever stage you are in waiting for your God sized dream to be realized. It sure encouraged me.

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All things are fitting together for good because you love God and you are called according to his purposes. His purposes will stand. No human being or eternal being can thwart God's good plan for your life. Nothing can stand before God's plan. Nothing. When the timing is right, all will be revealed. All will fall into place. 

Like when you turn a combination lock to the right numbers. Once you have the combination, the lock falls simply in place, into the grooves made to fit that particular combination. It bothers you that you cannot see inside the padlock to see how it all fits together. That's because you are human. I(God) made the padlock, so I know its complete inner workings and I am also the owner of it. I have my hand on the dial. I am moving that dial between numbers. 

Don't despair. My hand is there.

My hand. My timing. 

You have already seen many things that have been fitted into their proper place on the timeline. Things that have needed to take place before I open the door. Before the combination lock fits into place. Trust me with this. I know all things. I prepare all things and all people for my work. I have been preparing you and all those who love you.

This will not be one minute late. This will all happen right on schedule--on my timetable. Trust my timing. It is perfect. Perfect for you, your family and all circumstances surrounding this dream of yours. I have all things in my hands and under my control.

Faith and trust are what is required of you. If you could see into the future, you wouldn't need faith. Faith pleases me. Keep believing in me.

All of your needs are met. All of them. I will continue to meet them all. I continue to fulfill all of your dreams, desires, wants, passions--according to my will and plan. I delight to provide all that you need.

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These words encouraged me so much! God has his hand on the dial! Blessings to you!
Anne

Linking up with other God sized dreamers at holleygerth.com 
and at afreshlybrewedlife.com

Baby stepping to my God sized dream

Since 2006, my heart has been drawn to The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology.

I wrote a post recently about last year's application experience here, but let's just say that for this 40-something mom with a dream burning a hole in her pocket, applying to a grad school after being out of school since 1986 seemed like a long shot. Could I scribble well enough for the two essays? Curriculum vitae? What is that?

I see how God wants to make something beautiful out of all of of the negative experiences I've had throughout my lifetime.

I see His hand leading me towards this dream of helping others, especially women, to break free from their pasts. 

To break out of emotional bondage and defeated thinking. To be free to use their long-lost voices and be free to be themselves.

Last April, I was accepted into the Counseling Psychology program at The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology.

A huge God sized dream come true for me!

With my husband and family's support, the only thing holding up the dream of actually attending is my husband finding an engineering job in the Seattle area. He has been looking for over a year. No leads yet, but I still have this feeling deep inside me that it will all work out. I sense we are just on the cusp of something really big.

With a bit of trepidation I write these words down. Kind of scary to actually type them because what if it doesn't come true? But, here goes.

I believe God is leading me to this program. I believe He wants me to step out into the next phase of my life's calling and passions and be a part of the Fall 2013 cohort at The Seattle School. In faith, we continue to wait on His timing for my husband's job. And I'm waving my 'Seattle School or Bust' flag from the middle of little old Iowa!

{An update to this post is that as of October 7, 2013, I'm still not there. But the dream still holds on!}

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I am linking up with others sharing their God Sized Dreams at holleygerth.com