What is your "right now"?

Joining in late for last week's Five Minute Friday post over at Kate Motaung's blog. The prompt for last Friday was "lose". 



In 2012 I got accepted to a grad school in Seattle into their Counseling Psychology program. I would have been a non traditional student, for sure, but I have felt called to help others in this way since my college days.

Because of circumstances beyond my control, I was not able to move from Iowa out to Seattle, WA with my hubby to attend grad school. 

Four years later, I am now unsure if I even want to go to grad school.

What gives? What makes you lose your focus, the purpose that seemed like it was burning a hole in my heart and (soon to be burning a hole in my pocket)?

I don't understand it at all. 

I have no desire right now to look into local programs. 

I read something from the Tiny Buddha website yesterday that one of my Facebook friends posted about purpose.

That nothing has to be done in a hurry. And, just because we don't know what to do right now, doesn't mean that "right now" doesn't have meaning.

That, to look at what is "right now" beckoning me, or calling me, is what I could do, that the "right now" can be my purpose.

Right now, my intuition, my gut is calling me to paint. I've been experimenting with acrylics and mixed media for a little over a year. 

I love what I've learned both on and off the canvas as I take bold, brave, courageous steps to make something out of nothing.

I'm not sure where this is leading me, but this is my "right now".

What is your "right now"?

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Blessings to you!

Anne

Dare to be: self aware {Day 2}

See that face? I was the little girl who just wanted everyone in her world to be happy. I'm not sure when or how that happened, but it did. Maybe it's because I'm a firstborn. Maybe because I'm a firstborn girl. Whatever the cause, this tendency has hung around for as long as I can remember, and it's gotten me into trouble.

"But Anne, how can it be harmful to want people around you to be happy", you may ask. 

Because, I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

I grew up believing that it was my responsibility to make those around me happy. My mom, my dad, my siblings, you name it. This is called false responsibility. 

How can a little girl be responsible for her mom, dad and brothers and sisters happiness? This is just not true. As an adult I know this. With my brain I know this, but ingrained patterns do not give up easily. 

I've felt mean saying "no". I've felt like a betrayer if I went against someone's wishes. I've had to learn the truth about boundaries. What they are, how they work, when to use them. 

Boundaries are like an invisible fence that we put up around our lives, our selves, to protect our treasures, says Dr. Henry Cloud, popular psychologist. Boundaries tell us when it is okay and good to say yes to people and things, and when to say no.

Since I'm wired to want to help people who are hurting I need to be careful that I don't go outside of my own emotional boundaries. I need a way to check myself in these circumstances.

I came up with six questions to ask myself when that drive to rescue someone creeps up on me. It's funny how I'm checking myself with some form of these questions almost daily.


1.  Is this mine to carry?
2. Am I responsible for this person?
3. Am I responsible for this situation?
4. Can I do anything about this?
5. What is the best way for me to care for me in this situation?
6. Do I need to step away from this (person, event, situation) to gain clarity?


I'm learning that I need to give myself permission to speak into the situation if needed, and to speak to myself, and/or to step away altogether.

I'm still learning to be aware of my emotions, what's going on around me, and how both are affecting me. 

I'm daring to be....self aware.

How about you? How self aware are you? Do you have healthy emotional boundaries? I'd love to hear your feedback.

Click on my button for a list of all 31 Day posts.

When you don't want to walk around the block in winter

This afternoon it's twenty one degrees in my neck of the the Iowa woods. There are still piles of snow left from our epic blizzard right before Christmas. Recent above freezing temps have formed ski slope-looking paths through the front bushes. As I think about how my waistband is experiencing post holiday tension, I think how badly I need to get out for a walk.

I am a fair weather walker which means when it's winter, I don't walk much outside. I force myself into my black bubble coat and pull on my gloves. I pull my red knitted scarf out of the basket and my college daughter laments, again, that the scarf is mine and not hers. I grab my black, fuzzy ear muffs out of the van. I'm not excited. I'm forcing myself on this walk in this twenty one degree winter-ness because of how I feel in my jeans and because of how I know I'll feel afterwards.

Lots of reasons to not walk cross my mind as I'm putting my second arm through the sleeve. It will probably be boring. I'll have to walk alone. I'll get cold. I might slip on an ice patch. I put on my coat anyway.

I discover that the sidewalk is mostly clear of ice and snow thanks to the excellent shoveling and snow blowing of my husband and neighbors. This is a good sign.

A few steps down and I see a snowman as tall as me in a neighbor's yard. He has crooked sticks for arms, but if he had a face, it has since fallen somewhere in the snow below his invisible feet.

I have to duck under a tree branch hanging over the sidewalk next. I notice big buds on the branch. Really? In January? New signs of spring in January. A gift.

Half way around the block and my fingers are getting cold through my gloves that are mostly warm enough for driving. I shove my hands in my pockets. I walk past the house where a couple, now divorced, used to live when they were active in our small group. They've been gone about seven years, but every time I walk past that house, it is their house and they still live there. Together.

Another snowman right before I turn another corner getting closer to home. This guy still has a face made of charcoal briquettes, and a real carrot. His head dons a Cubs ball cap and a dated pink chiffon scarf hangs loosely at his neck. I think to myself that this snowman is more loved than the first one without a face.

I turn the last corner towards home. I think it hasn't been so bad after all, this winter walk where two snowmen greet me. And, a budding branch appears before my freezing nose. I take the two steps up into the house and vow that I will take more winter trips around my block with eyes to see.

the gift of awareness

What is it about my past that I seem to doubt my judgement? I doubt that my opinions are valid. I doubt that my desires are legitimate. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. Except that recently, I have become aware of this thing with me.

I have been becoming more aware of just how great a gift awareness is. I am speaking here of the awareness of self and why we may behave the way we do. What makes us tick. Not everyone has this awareness of self to a degree that is healthy. And, some are not even aware that they don't have it. How great a gift awareness is in relationships. How great a gift awareness is, period.

If I tend to get angry easily or carry resentment, why? Am I aware of why? If I am aware of why, only then can I learn to do something about it. 

Oh, what a gift awareness is. 

Even if my new-found awareness of some of my irks and quirks might bring me pain, I welcome awareness. Knowledge is power. Only when I become aware of my irks and quirks can I change, grow and become more of who Christ desired me to be in the first place. 

It is true that my life experiences have shaped me to have some of these habits and hang ups. I've been hurt in the past. I've been wounded. Some of those hurts have incised scars on my soul. However, it is not true that I need to stay that way. The way of some of my habits and hang ups may be hurting me and you or our relationship. I do not need to stay in the dark about the way I am and the way I act and the way I may come across to others. 

I do not want my lack of awareness to become a stumbling block for someone else. I want to be willing to humble myself to hear maybe even painful truth about myself, but I do want to hear the truth. I welcome truth. Because truth about me and how I am will set me free to become something else more glorious. I will become more like Christ.

So, if you see me doing something irksome, something that is contrary to who Christ designed me to be, please tell me. Tell me in a gracious and kind way, but do me the great favor of not leaving me in the dark of my unawareness. 

It is only in my complete awareness of who I am, Who's I am and how I behave in the world that I can truly change the habits and hang ups that are hurtful, and become more like my Savior.