the path to wholeheartedness

Linking up today with other brave writers for Five Minute Friday, almost a week late! The link up is over at Kate Motaung's blog. So, hey there! The prompt for last week was "path". It took me this long to decide which direction to go with it. What path are you taking these days?




There are myriads of paths to take. Even with this prompt, I'm tempted to give up even before I begin. 

Know why?

So many choices! How do I decide where to take this?

What path will I choose for this week's prompt?

The path that comes to mind over and over again is wholeheartedness. I think that's been the theme of this blog.

My dream and desire is to take the path of truth, both to myself and to others.

The path that might be the less worn, but the path that leads to wholeheartedness.

Sebasco, Maine

Being brave in the face of fear.

Facing the fears or enemies of peace head on.

Protecting myself from danger when possible.

Leading my soul to greener pastures that promote peace in the midst of chaos.

Pointing my spirit to the One and only One who can point me to truth, peace and all other good things.

This I believe. 

This I want to live.

Wholeheartedness and truthful living means that I might find myself *face down in the mud, in the middle of the arena more times than I would like.  It means that I'll have to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I am a warrior, living out my messy story. But, it's my story to live. No one else's.

I'll have to remind myself that I can get back up from the mud. That with my fellow brave warriors around me, I can survive and thrive the tough stuff. I can wash up, get up and try again. That I'm not alone in this.

I've got friends.
I've got fellow warriors.
I've got myself.
And, I've got the God who made me.

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Blessings to you, friend. Thanks so much for stopping!!

Anne

*references to the "arena" are from author Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, which has had a huge influence on my wholehearted journey. You can click on the Daring Greatly tag at the bottom of this post to read other posts I've written on daring greatly and wholehearted living. :)

life lessons learned in 2015

I've felt some guilt over stopping my 31 Day Series (of Soul Spas) right smack in the middle back in October. But, when I stop to think about it, I did what I needed to do to take care of my own soul. (How ironic.)  I had guests (my cousins!) that visited from Sweden in the Fall and I needed the time to concentrate fully on them! And, oh, what a joy and a delight their visit was!

Then, one thing led to another and well, it's just harder to return to writing the longer I stay away.

So, I welcome myself back to blogging today!! Hi, me! And, I give myself permission to begin again. 



Today I'm linking up with Emily Freeman for her What I Learned link up that she usually has at the end of each month, but this time it is What I Learned in 2015 since we are at the end of one year and beginning of the next. 

I've found my mind wandering more to the future and things that I want to be or do in 2016. I see this as a good thing. Saving for a future post.

But, sometimes we're so in a hurry for the next thing that we don't take time to ponder where we've been. Here's a look back at some huge and not so huge lessons I learned in 2015.

Door County Wisconsin at sunset

1. live without regrets. 

My husband asked me on New Years Eve if I had any regrets over the past year. And, without really taking time to think about it I said, "No, I don't." 

Wow. This quick answer surprised me a little. Don't we all have regrets? Oh yes, we do. But, when I think about the past year, I can honestly say I did my best in many ways.....with my self care, relationships, boundaries, general health, marriage, parenting (adults). 

What a blessing it was to say that I had no regrets about 2015. That is the grace of God.



2.  dare greatly. 

By now, if you've read my blog for very long, you might know that I'm a huge fan of Dr. Brene Brown's work on shame resilience and vulnerability and being brave.

In April I went to NYC to meet a group of seven gals that I met online through the Brene Brown e-course, The Gifts of Imperfection. 

It was a risk! I was afraid to fly alone. I'd never flown somewhere totally alone. I'd never hailed a taxi. But, I did these things and it was huge. These women mean so much to me, each one with her unique personality and gifts. 
What a blessing that trip was in so many ways. I dared greatly!



3.  release.

Sometime last early spring, our 22 year old daughter, who had a part-time advertising job and was living with us, declared to us that she wanted to go to England for one year. Gulp! 

She has always had a soft spot for England. Probably spurred on by Dr. Who and Harry Potter. Thanks a lot, guys!!  So, she found a Gap Year program through UKUSA and Youth for Christ, where she'd go and live with a host family for a year. She had to raise the funds. She had to get a passport and a volunteer visa. She did. all. the. steps. and she left August 28th. 

I had a few months to get prepared for this idea. But, at first, honestly, I didn't think it would really happen. Really? But, it did, and it is. She's been there for four months now. She's learned all kinds of English words for things like "dust bin" instead of "trash can". She's met some very kind and loving folks and she's gotten to minister to youth at the church she's assigned to. She's also a TA in two different schools and works in a variety of classrooms. 

God is giving me the grace to release this girl, my youngest, into her calling. And, she's brave. And she loves Jesus. And, she's sharing her gifts. This mom couldn't be more proud.

Right after Thanksgiving our son, who lived with us for awhile after graduating from college to save money, moved out into his own apartment. Another opportunity to release. 

I released him to college. Now, I release him into his new life in his own studio right in the middle of downtown. 

Release is a good word.



4.  patience with self.

A year ago and more, I was all 'gung ho' about downsizing to a much smaller house. You know, simplifying. I was looking forward to an older home with gleaming wood floors, fresh gray on the walls, white trim. A lovely, park-like yard. 

For several years I'd been hungering for "new". New to me that is. 

But, I discovered so much mental and emotional blocks during the aftermath of the move and really for the whole year. 

Not as many walls to hang my things. My wall things didn't seem to go in this house. I felt like my creative confidence in making this house a home had gotten left in the last house (that I was more than ready to leave). 

I couldn't understand this and for months silently chastised myself for not getting curtains made (some still aren't) and for not hanging things on the walls. 

But, sometime in the Fall, I decided that my soul needed to do some work somehow before these things could easily fall into place in this new space. 

I've given myself permission to go at a slow and steady pace and it's made all the difference.



5.  art, imperfection, curiosity and permission.

Last March I took a three part acrylic painting class at my church. I invited my mom to take it with me. 

I remember the first night. The instructor said, "just do whatever." Are you kidding me!!? Do you know how intimidating and terrifying it is to look at a blank canvas having never done any "real" painting and being told "just start". 

It was a little maddening, and when I look at the pic on my phone of my first brave try at mixing some colors, it's a literal mess. 

Then, I took a Kelly Rae Roberts online class on mixed media painting. I wrote about this in an earlier post, but the first time she wanted us to paint with our hands I got emotional. It's like I had to give myself permission to make a mess with paint! 

I can't begin to tell you the lessons I've gained from beginning to paint regularly. Imperfection is encouraged, not shunned, stay curious, give yourself lots of permission. These are huge lessons both on and off the canvas!



6. birds and wildlife bring joy.

Right outside the window where I sit and drink tea each morning are three bird feeders and a bird bath. Sitting in silence watching the birds come to eat and bathe is a ritual for me. 

Watching them brings joy and a smile to my face. Their freedom and trust encourage me. I'm so glad I take the time to sit in silence and see who'll stop by on any given morning.

I even enjoy the squirrels who try to steal the birdseed and the occasional stealth deer at night that comes by for a snack.



7.  seasons.

I've been reminded in 2015 that things, events and people may be for a season. When the season is over, I need to proceed without judgement or regret into the next one, letting the curtain drop behind me as I go. It's only in letting go that I can take hold of what's next.


Blessings to you, friends, in this brand new year!

Love,

Anne

{Day 8}: your creative soul {part 1}

"I'm not very creative" doesn't work. There's no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don't.

 Unused creativity doesn't just disappear. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear." 

~Dr. Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

This was one of the most freeing things I read in the book The Gifts of Imperfection. There's no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. Hmmm. That was a totally new thought. I no longer had any excuses not to create. Something. Some how.

One day, recently, I sat down and jotted down some of the obstacles I encounter when I think about being creative.  I was surprised to easily come up with a list of about thirteen right off the top of my head. I've narrowed my list to ten.


Top 10 obstacles to creating:

1. feeling "locked up" on the inside
2. time
3. comparison
4. perfectionism
5. "not good enough"
6. fear of what others will think
7. fear of rejection
8. lack of motivation
9. lack of inspiration
10. wondering if any of it matters

Things that go through my head.  What matters anyway? What really matters if I don't create? If I don't write or paint, or decorate my home, what does it matter? What does any of it mean, anyway? (pretty negative stuff, huh?)

It's not that my soul doesn't want to create. It really does! It's just that for so long I was afraid of showing up and being seen. I was caught in the comparison trap that kills creativity. I was also afraid of what my friends and family would think. I was afraid of not being good enough. 

Tomorrow, I want to share Part 2 with you. I want to share what's happened as I've taken some steps to unleash intentional creativity. Hopefully, it will encourage you that you, too, are a creative being and your soul wants to create! 

Here's to learning to let our creative souls soar!

Blessings to you, friend,

~Anne

Thanks for joining me on this 8th day of my Soul Spa series! Check back here for a list of all 31 Days of Soul Spas posts! Or if you'd like to receive each post in your inbox, simply type your email into the box on the sidebar of my blog!

I'm taking part in #write30days, a project with 100's of other bloggers each writing on a topic for the month of October. Head on over to write31days.com to see what it's all about

10 things I learned in April

Linking up today with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for her monthly "What I learned" link up! A time where we share the mundane and epic. I'd say most of mine this month are epic learnings. Here, in no particular order, are ten things I learned in April.


A week ago I returned from five days with friends I'd never met in person. We met online through Brene Brown's e-course on her book The Gifts of Imperfection last year. We decided it would be fantastic to meet up in real life!

Each of us had to step out into courage to book tickets or drive to meet one another. What an adventure it was as we met face to face and spent five days seeing the sites of New York City! 

We traveled from Thailand, Utah, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Canada, California and Iowa. 

My list of "things I learned" in April is all from this epic trip!



1.  Hailing a taxi isn't as hard as I imagined.  I had been anxious about this part of NYC for awhile. Never had ridden in, much less hailed a taxi. Here are the directions for hailing a taxi:

A. stand out by curb
B. stick out your arm really high, like you are in school
C. step into taxi when it pulls over for you.
D. tell taxi driver the address where you need to go
E. pay with cash or swipe your credit card 


2.  20% tips are the suggested minimum in NYC taxis. I wouldn't want to try tipping less.

3.  This was my first time ever in New York City so I was definitely a newbie at everything. I grew up on a farm and never realized that this kind of trip would be a reality someday! Woo hoo!

4.  The views from the 86th floor of the Empire State Building at midnight are a sight to behold!

5.  Meeting my dear online friends in real life was a huge blessing. Getting to hear their voices and see their smiling faces. Priceless!

6.  Seeing Lady Liberty is so much better than on a post card. She's regal, stately and elegant. I can just imagine how my dad must have felt coming to America in 1948 and seeing her for the first time from his ship!

7.  Going to Ellis Island where my father came in to the United States from Sweden in 1948 was very moving for me. I was able to look up his name on a computer right there and see the ship manifest where his name and important information was written when he was registered. Awesome.

8.  Manhattan has 13,000 taxis, and 85% of Manhattan-ites do not own a car. (wow, I would miss my car!)

9.  Delta Airline snacks brought much more joy than they should have.

10.  I was moved more than I thought possible by Monet, van Gogh, Picasso and Klimt at the Museum of Modern Art in Manhattan. I don't consider myself an art museum junkie at all. But, when I saw these originals, something clicked. I got what all the fuss is about!

There are so many more things I could've written on this list, like how fun it was to walk around on Rockefeller Plaza, where I used to watch Bryant Gumbel, and now Matt Lauer and Al Roker from NBC news interview people right there in front of the building!

Thanks for letting me reminisce a bit on a fantastic trip.

Blessings to you, friend.

~Anne

When fears are like dirty socks

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She had big dreams inside her heart. She knew they were there, even though she didn't really know what all of them were, or what they would turn out to be.

Even though this little girl had dreams, she was often afraid of trying new things.

What if she would get hurt?

What if she would get lost?

What if she just didn't have what it takes?

She grew up being fearful. Whether it was her own fear, or others' fear projected onto her, she internalized it and it became her own. Many of these fears grew with her. 

As she grew older, the fears wouldn't leave. The fears hung around like dirty socks laying on the bedroom floor.

Like walking around the pile of dirty socks, she adapted to some of the fears even though they limited her. Some grew bigger and stuck like glue.


The fear of the unknown kept her inside a shell. 

The fear of failure kept her from trying new things. 

The fear of the future kept her living in the past.

Even the fear of success kept her from really soaring.


Then, one day, the little girl grew up. She had grown taller, older and wiser. 

She found out she no longer had to bow to the fears that had clung like dirty socks to her soul. With wisdom, she began picking up those dirty socks with her nimble and capable fingers. 

Each sock of fear she dumped into the basket of learning and hope. And, each sock of fear that she threw down turned into a possibililty.

The fear of the unknown turned into dreaming of what could be.
The fear of failure turned into permission to learn from her mistakes.
The fear of the future turned into anticipation of all good things. 
The fear of success turned into being true to herself. 

She also began to dig deep to learn where and how these limiting fears started. 

And, why she'd always been so willing to let these fears control her life.

St. Peter's Cathedral--NYC

They'd robbed her of her courage. They'd robbed her of new experiences. They'd robbed her of her self-esteem and self-worth. They had just plain robbed her of life.

She doesn't really know what's next. 
No one ever does. 

But, she's willing to live courageously in the unknown, knowing this is part of her journey.

She's willing to embrace her imperfections and limitations and work toward squashing her fears.

She's living wholeheartedly.
She's living courageously.
She's daring greatly.

Blessings to you today, friend! 

~Anne

Linking up today with the lovely Holley Gerth for Coffee for Your Heart and Kristin Taylor for Three Word Wednesday.

for when you have shaky knees

My journal lately has become something much different than it used to be.

It used to be all prayers, and mostly whining and begging God to do this or that, or give me this or that, and do it yesterday.

I'm not beyond giving Him thanks, but my words have been slightly weighted on the "gimme" end of the spectrum.

I've noticed a shift in recent months. I haven't recently gone back to study old journals, but I do occasionally peruse the previous entries in my current one.

Instead of lots of begging God for what I don't have, it seems I'm recognizing more what I do have.

I'm comparing the tone of my journal to what's happening in my life.

I'm more content where I'm at. 

It was a struggle to get here.

I'm noticing more lists in my journal. 

Lists of things I've learned.
Lists of possible book topics.
Prayers of gratitude.
Answered prayers.

I see in these pages that I've stepped out and done some hard things recently, but been truly blessed for the doing.

I've stepped into some arenas where the so-called critics seemed like they might devour me, but instead I wasn't devoured. I re-discovered courage to use my voice. Courage to be me in my raw form.

Old patterns threatened to take over, but didn't.

In stepping out into the arena, so often I find strength and beauty there instead of the critics I was expecting.

Strength, power, courage and voice rise up to meet each step I take.

This is beautiful to me.

When I was a little girl, I remember my Dad teaching me the simple melody of an old hymn on the piano.

The words of the chorus go like this:

Trust and obey
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey

These words come to mind as I think of taking steps of courage into the arena.

Through shaky knees, sweaty palms and a racing heart, the steps into the arena---silencing the fear gremlins---has brought liberty.  

Freedom.

How about you? What's the arena you find yourself needing to enter?
Give yourself credit for taking steps to enter through shaky knees, sweaty palms and a racing heart. I applaud you!

Blessings to you, friend!








Linking up today with Holley Gerth at Coffee for Your Heart.

it's no Picasso

Well, I'm back at it again.

Last fall I took the Oprah.com/Brene' Brown online class based on Brene's book The Gifts of Imperfection. I absolutely loved the class and when I heard that she was going to offer a part two (to cover the last half of her book) in April, I about jumped out of my chair!

Part two started on Thursday of this week. I didn't get a chance to do any of the work until yesterday, so I felt a little bit behind. 

There were three or four short videos to watch. 
And, then, the creative assignments.

One of the very first assignments Brene' wanted us to do was to draw our self portrait. 

Using ONLY crayons. 

Oh. My. Gosh. 

"Let's get back to that place where we created art with wild abandon."

~Brene' Brown

I don't know if I ever have drawn a self portrait! And, surely not without sketching in pencil first and erasing and sketching and erasing until I nearly had erased all of the paper away. 

Because, that is how much of a perfectionist I am! 

It just amazes me how deeply ingrained in me is this compulsion to edit myself. To edit the version of me that anyone sees. This editing is done subconsciously most of the time to protect myself.

it's no Picasso, but it's me

In fact, this blog is an attempt to put my true self out there. As I said this week, it took a lot of courage to attempt a blog. Two of them went by the wayside until A Ready Listener was born.

Writing my heart is one thing. 

Drawing an elementary quality drawing of myself and letting other people see it, is an entirely different story.

I sat down yesterday afternoon. In front of me was my journal. 

And, my daughter's box of 48 Crayola crayons. The only consolation is that the crayons are basically brand new, and who doesn't love coloring with brand new crayons?

I soooo wanted to go find a pencil! No one would notice! No one was watching me and making sure that I followed Brene' Brown's rules for this creative assignment! I could have sketched to my heart's content and then covered the pencil lines with crayon.

But, I did what Brene' told me to. (I am compliant that way.) Plus, you know what? Brene' had already done her self portrait crayon masterpiece and showed the world. It was no Picasso, and she was smiling and even laughing and poking fun at her drawing saying, "Do you see the resemblance?"

I thought to myself, if Brene' Brown can do this and show everyone in the world, I can do this. 

So, I sat there staring at my blank journal page a few minutes. 

{Oh, actually, I have to say that I did look up a very basic drawing demo and he told where the eyes needed to be (half way down on the oval face) and where the tops of the ears should be (even with the eyes).}

Is that cheating? Nah!

That's all I did to prepare. Honest.
Then, my crayons went on the white page. 

Once I drew half of the oval because I didn't want my "apricot" crayon I used for my head to show in my hair, and I started putting on the other features and drawing my hair, I actually started to have fun. 

Do you think that is Brene' Brown's point for these creative assignments?

Brene is testing my self compassion

Well, that, and... 

giving up on the misconception of perfection and embracing imperfection.

I'm game for kicking these perfectionist tendencies to the curb.

Stick with me. I'll be sharing more of what I'm learning from the class as I go along!

Come along with me by subscribing to get my posts in your in box!

Thanks for stopping by!

Linking up today with Beth at Three Word Wednesday.

10 Things I learned in November

It's so easy to get into the habit of not writing regularly after writing for a whole month straight in October. So, I'm thankful for Emily Freeman's link up for sharing the things we learned during the month of November! 

Here are a few things I've learned in the past month in random order. I invite you to hop on over to Emily's blog, Chatting at the Sky, to read what other people learned in November!

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1.  Frozen might be rivaling Tangled and Wall-e for my favorite animated film. Even though my kids are now adults, we all still love animated movies, so our whole family went to see Frozen for our annual Thanksgiving movie tradition. This movie is over-the-top cute. You should go see it, whether you are two or ninety two.

2. As one of the lead characters in Frozen, Kristen Bell has a great singing voice! I loved her in You, Again, but I didn't know she could sing. Which isn't saying a lot because I don't really keep up with which celebrities can and cannot sing. 

3. I read an article last week while on the elliptical about weight loss tips from a gal who lost 100 lbs. (is this ironic, or just coincidental that I was reading about weight loss while on an elliptical? I'll have to ask my daughter.) Anyway.....the tip that stood out to me was to focus on my strengths while on my fitness journey.

I decided that I'd rather lift weights mostly on machines in a different part of the gym instead of with dumbbells right near all the Arnold Schwartzeneggers. I was much more comfortable doing the machines. A small change, really, but the impact was huge for my mood while lifting.

4. Gratitude is best when practiced. What I mean is that often I think about being grateful when something good is happening. Brene Brown and Oprah reminded me in last week's online class that gratitude is a practice that we learn by doing. 

We learn by being grateful even when we don't feel like being grateful. 

Oprah says, Gratitude leads to joy. Brene says, Joy is additive. When we practice gratitude we fill our joy reserves. This is not huge information, but it felt like a mental shift happened in my brain. I dragged out the gratitude journal that I started in 2012 and began adding to it again at about #436. I felt so much better about my life after practicing gratitude in this way. 

5. There was a day about two weeks ago, that I felt absolutely stuck with an issue in my life. Prayer wasn't cutting it. Journaling didn't really help all that much. What I needed to do was to phone a friend. So, I did. (sometimes I'm reluctant) I called a friend and basically said "help." She did. She listened and she understood because she'd been in my shoes. Never under estimate the power of phoning a friend when you need help! I'm still learning this.


6. Through this Brene Brown online class I've been given assignments to work on an art journal. I've journaled prayers and thoughts and feelings for years. What I've never done until November was to work on an art journal. I'm kind of intimidated by it. Meaning that I suffer from a huge case of perfectionism. 


But, I'm realizing that being perfect is overrated, not to mention impossible! Actually getting my hands in there and being creative is the idea. And, I've noticed that when I work on my art journal (simple water color painting and drawing) my mood always elevates. Bonus!

7. I had been feeling especially bad about myself and my weight because of the category the trainer at the gym put me in after he weighed me. But, when I went to Maurice's to try on jeans, Taylor the jeans specialist was there. She was truly a jeans artist (and an angel). She said she had read and studied up on their jeans and which styles fit which body types. 

She brought me a pair of sparkly pocket jeans in the dressing room and said,

"Have you seen the traveling pants movie? Well, these jeans are just like that. Everyone who tries them on loves them! They are my go-to jeans!" 

I left with those jeans. And, I left feeling so uplifted by Taylor's care and encouragement in helping me find jeans that made me feel like a new woman! Jeans faeries really do exist! This one's name is Taylor.

8. On the same jeans shopping trip, I asked my college daughter if I was too old for sparkly pocket jeans. She said, "Not if you like them!" So, I guess fifty is not too old for sparkly pocket jeans because that's exactly what I got.

9.  I've discovered that I can get into a creative flow in my art journal or writing while listening to Jim Brickman radio station on Pandora. I've also discovered Anthony Burger so I added Anthony's piano loveliness as variety to this station. Today, I appropriately switched over to Jim Brickman Holiday station, which is working just as well. I love lovely piano music. Without lyrics. And, apparently it likes me.

10. Favorite quotes written in my journal this month. 

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." ~Rumi

"When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings."~Dean Jackson

Each of these quotes deserve their own blog post, so you never know what might be coming up.

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you are having a great start to December!

~Anne

Dare to Be: Shame resilient {Day 28}

I admit it. In the matter of a couple of months, I've become an all-out Brene Brown fan girl. If you've been following along on the 31 Day journey, you already know about me reading her book Daring Greatly.

I am now reading The Gifts of Imperfection. I'm learning things in a workshop and an online Life Class. 

art journal

She said in the online class that she wears jeans all the time because she needs a pocket to carry around her permissions slips in! I love her!


I have been brought to tears by her writings more than once. I think it's because I feel validated. Her research and her writings are validating things that I've been feeling about myself for YEARS. (if I could, I would hug her for this.)

Her research in shame resilience is normalizing shame for me.

What is shame, you ask?


She defines shame as this:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

 ~Brene Brown

What does shame feel like, you ask?

Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. ~B.B.

I am realizing that in several areas in my life I've felt shame. For a long time. And, I'm also realizing that I've felt shame about my shame!! What a mess!

art journal page for online class

I am learning some key things about shame that are changing me and how I think about myself and others in my life profoundly.

1. shame thrives in secrecy and silence

2. shame is universal (everyone feels it)

3. judgement exagerates it (our own and others')

I am learning to be more shame resilient, which means that I'm learning to be courageous in sharing my difficulties with at least one trusted family member or friend. That basically, (in Brene's words) brings shame to its knees.

I'm learning to accept myself and believe that I am worthy of love and belonging even though I am not perfect.

How about you? Do you have someone you can talk to when you feel that warm feeling of shame rising up in you? I hope so. 

Do you accept yourself with all of your imperfections?

Click on my button to see a list of all 31 Days posts. Thanks for visiting today!

This post is part of a 31 Day series on the topic Dare to Be and linking up with about 1500 other bloggers on hundreds of topics. Come on over to The Nester to visit!