Ironing as sanctuary

Ironing is a rare occasion for me. Other than these jeans, it rarely happens. But, every time I wash these great jeans I got at Goodwill, the fly needs to be ironed smooth so the zipper doesn't show. I know, details.

So, I pull the ironing board down from it's home behind the laundry room door. I take down the iron, too, and plug it in, and make sure it's on. I've learned that having it on is a bonus. While I wait for the iron to heat up, I fold clothes and towels that have buzzed me from the dryer then throw the washer load into the dryer and turn it on. 

I lay my jeans on the ironing board rather awkwardly to get at the fly right. I grab the iron, making sure not to touch the zipper with it because then it would be too hot to put on. As I run the iron across the fabric, I give it a puff of steam, just as an added surety that the fly will get smooth and stay that way. 

I had been struggling with a bit of anxiety off and on while getting ready. I had been trying to practice deep breathing. Telling myself to stay calm, that there was absolutely nothing to fear this morning in my own home. 

I noticed something as soon as I started ironing my jean's fly right there by the running dryer. I started to get calmer. Just automatically, my breathing relaxed and got deeper and more steady. I started to pay attention to the way my body felt in the surroundings of my laundry room. Warm running dryer, hot moist iron with warm steam rising to greet my face. The feel of the warm denim under my hand as I guided it for pressing. 

As I was standing there with warmth touching my face, I thought of my mother in law with all of the t-shirts she used to iron for her three boys and husband. Yes, I've mocked her for that. And it dawned on me. Ironing for her was probably her sanctuary. Her place to find peace in the midst of a hectic and busy household.And, why not? Hands gliding over the fabric that clothes each loved one. A heart to serve her family. A heart to serve God. 

Ironing felt like that for me today. A sanctuary of calm and delight. A place of simple joy. And, I felt God there. I actually ironed three more shirts to stay in that place longer.

Learning to deal with the reel

When I have an experience, good or bad, I have a secondary tape reel that begins to roll. Recorded on the tape are images, feelings, impressions stemming from way back when I was just a wee babe in the cradle. I am probably not aware of what is on that tape. Not unless I've been doing some digging.

As I dig, I am realizing more and more how powerful that tape reel is to my current emotional health. If I think I am angry with someone, am I dealing with just the current anger I'm experiencing, or am I dealing with old anger from the tapes buried under the new anger and causing even more pain? 

I've been reading and paying a lot more attention to my secondary reel (or my subconscious mind) and how it has been having a mind of it's own. I think I am dealing with the current situation at hand and the emotions that go along with it. But, alas, I am also dealing with the reel.

As I sit here at my computer, my breaths are shortened. I find myself anxious. I stop to concentrate on my breathing. I am not even breathing well. Just short breaths that aren't doing much. So, I breathe long and deep. I do it again. I lower my tense shoulders. What is my second reel playing right now that causes my breathing to be shallow and my muscles tense? All I think I am doing is sitting here writing. Something I really like to do. But something on the secondary reel is making me tense.

That's the kind of thing I'm wanting to get beneath. To understand the second reel and how it is affecting how I deal with current relationships, current issues. I don't want to be ignorant anymore about anything that may perpetuate pain in my body, soul and spirit.

Lord, help me learn to deal with the old reel. The new is hard enough alone.

Does the world overwhelm you?

A few weeks ago I found a book at Half Price books that turned out to be one of the most validating and helpful books I have ever read. It's called, The Highly Sensitive Person--How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.


See, I have noticed in my life that I tend to need quite a bit of time alone. Yeah, I know that is called introverted. But, lots of noise around me that goes on too long can make me very anxious. I've wondered, "what is wrong with me, that this bothers me so much?". "Why can I not watch much violence in movies like the rest of my family can?" (I really shouldn't care at all about that one.)


After I've been out shopping for a couple of hours, I've had enough. I need to go home and relax in my chair with a book and a cup of tea. After reading this book, I realize I am not alone! About 15 to 20 percent of the population is highly sensitive. I'll list some of the traits for you. (Learning this stuff about myself was a HUGE revelation!) If you find yourself feeling "different" than the people around you, you might be highly sensitive. Maybe some of these things apply to you. 


1. highly conscientious
2. able to concentrate deeply
3. often think about our own thinking
4. deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions
5. more affected by stimulants like caffeine unless we are used to them
6. more "right-brained"
7. more sensitive to smells, sights and sounds

These are just a few of our traits. We notice levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others. This goes for sights, sounds and even pain. This means that we might get "over-stimulated" easier, and need to take a break. 


You might have some of those traits and not others. I wanted to share this insight for all of you out there that might also have felt like "the odd man out" because you get over stimulated easier. You want to leave that party before your friends do. Or, you don't feel like going with the "gang" on the weekend. You'd just rather have a quiet night at home.  I want to tell you. IT'S OKAY TO WANT TO BE ALONE. You are not weird.


Our culture doesn't seem okay with this. It seems that the 'cooler' you are, the more stimulation you'll want from all forms of media, people, excitement, and activities. I want to tell you, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Out of around 311,000,000 people in the US, there are about 46,650,000 of us who are highly sensitive. So, millions of us need that time alone with less stimulation in our immediate space. Or, at least we get tired of it quicker than others.

Who are you...really?

In order to write a graduate school entrance essay, I had to watch a film called Paris Je T'aime. It had several film vignettes on it. I was supposed to watch them all, pick one, and write an essay comparing the themes in the vignette to my own life story. 

She was wearing a mask.

The one that stood out to me the most was the one where the young woman was wearing a mask. She drops off her baby at a day care center. As she walks away, her baby starts to cry which prompts her to go back and sing a sweet lullaby to her child. As she sings, her face is alive and full of love. She is living "in the moment", loving and caring for her own flesh and blood. Her face radiates with the love that only a mother has for her child. 


However, a transformation happens in this woman's face as she leaves her child and travels on the subway to take care of her employer's baby. As she walks in to begin her job for the day, her employer's own baby is crying in the nursery. The look on the young woman's face is one of quiet resignation. She blankly slogs in to comfort the stranger's child. In fact, she sings the same song to this child that she sang to her own. But, as she sings, she stares out the window at the city with no emotional interaction with this stranger-child. The blankness is her mask. Only she knows what her mask is truly hiding, but it is hiding something. Probably the deep emotions at having to leave her child to go take care of another. This mask, though, prevents her from living in the moment with the child in her present care.

Are you familiar with that blank look? That "mask"? I am. I have felt it all too often, that look in my soul. The blankness that hides my true feelings and emotions. 


For me, the mask began latching itself to my face and my heart when I was very young. It masked my true self in circumstances where I felt that reflecting my true feelings and emotions would be threatening. The mask shielded my heart from not measuring up, from not feeling good enough, from not being good enough. 


The mask did protect me during the devastation of my parents' divorce, and the emotional turbulence surrounding that. However, in recent years I have realized that the facade I had been putting on to keep the peace in many situations and with certain people, had deadened a part of my soul.

I had been using the mask for far too long and it had taken its toll. Anxiety, depression and high blood pressure had become too close of companions, and I began searching for the underlying causes of these uninvited guests.

It has seemed like a glacial process, but with a trusted Christian counselor and trusted friends, I have been peeling off the mask to reveal the real me underneath it. This is showing the people around me a new self. My real self. Some like it, and some not so much. What is important for me is that I am no longer living behind a false-self mask. I have been realizing what I have been missing for all of my life....a heart fully present. I am discovering a mask-free self that I am at peace with. I am realizing that the co-dependent mask I wore for years to appease others in my world cost me my authenticity. The mask masked my own voice. It only allowed me to speak approving words to those around me, to the sheer detriment to my own heart.

Do you see the underlying truth here? 

Wear the mask----don't be true to self. LIve with discord in your soul, causing anxiety, fear and a host of other negative emotions to brew.

Peel off the mask--be true to yourself. Speak truthfully about yourself and what you need and want. Live in freedom. Live in joy and peace.

I have been meeting true freedom from mask-wearing and it is sweet! It has taken a lot of hard work, and the grace of God working in me and through me, but the real me is emerging. As I have spent time in God's presence, He has been faithful to reveal what's been behind my mask, and healing me. I am truly learning to rest in the great person he has made me to be, and detaching from my false self.