Layers

yellow feathers collect at the bottom of his cage

it's that season again

a season of shedding the old to make way for the new

i'm like him

the old, outdated parts of me are shedding

they've been peeling away like outdated wallpaper to reveal yet more layers underneath

when will the peeling back of layers be completed?

his molting and growing of new feathers will be complete in a matter of weeks

mine may take weeks, months or even years

a lifetime of time-worn layers peeling off

being scraped away as extra grout

laying at my feet

discarded

how can I ever paste them back to me?

i cannot

nor would I ever want to

those layers of me are in the past

they are no longer me

i will never be the same 

the old me and the new me dance until the day the new me

the new layer is complete

life lessons learned in 2015

I've felt some guilt over stopping my 31 Day Series (of Soul Spas) right smack in the middle back in October. But, when I stop to think about it, I did what I needed to do to take care of my own soul. (How ironic.)  I had guests (my cousins!) that visited from Sweden in the Fall and I needed the time to concentrate fully on them! And, oh, what a joy and a delight their visit was!

Then, one thing led to another and well, it's just harder to return to writing the longer I stay away.

So, I welcome myself back to blogging today!! Hi, me! And, I give myself permission to begin again. 



Today I'm linking up with Emily Freeman for her What I Learned link up that she usually has at the end of each month, but this time it is What I Learned in 2015 since we are at the end of one year and beginning of the next. 

I've found my mind wandering more to the future and things that I want to be or do in 2016. I see this as a good thing. Saving for a future post.

But, sometimes we're so in a hurry for the next thing that we don't take time to ponder where we've been. Here's a look back at some huge and not so huge lessons I learned in 2015.

Door County Wisconsin at sunset

1. live without regrets. 

My husband asked me on New Years Eve if I had any regrets over the past year. And, without really taking time to think about it I said, "No, I don't." 

Wow. This quick answer surprised me a little. Don't we all have regrets? Oh yes, we do. But, when I think about the past year, I can honestly say I did my best in many ways.....with my self care, relationships, boundaries, general health, marriage, parenting (adults). 

What a blessing it was to say that I had no regrets about 2015. That is the grace of God.



2.  dare greatly. 

By now, if you've read my blog for very long, you might know that I'm a huge fan of Dr. Brene Brown's work on shame resilience and vulnerability and being brave.

In April I went to NYC to meet a group of seven gals that I met online through the Brene Brown e-course, The Gifts of Imperfection. 

It was a risk! I was afraid to fly alone. I'd never flown somewhere totally alone. I'd never hailed a taxi. But, I did these things and it was huge. These women mean so much to me, each one with her unique personality and gifts. 
What a blessing that trip was in so many ways. I dared greatly!



3.  release.

Sometime last early spring, our 22 year old daughter, who had a part-time advertising job and was living with us, declared to us that she wanted to go to England for one year. Gulp! 

She has always had a soft spot for England. Probably spurred on by Dr. Who and Harry Potter. Thanks a lot, guys!!  So, she found a Gap Year program through UKUSA and Youth for Christ, where she'd go and live with a host family for a year. She had to raise the funds. She had to get a passport and a volunteer visa. She did. all. the. steps. and she left August 28th. 

I had a few months to get prepared for this idea. But, at first, honestly, I didn't think it would really happen. Really? But, it did, and it is. She's been there for four months now. She's learned all kinds of English words for things like "dust bin" instead of "trash can". She's met some very kind and loving folks and she's gotten to minister to youth at the church she's assigned to. She's also a TA in two different schools and works in a variety of classrooms. 

God is giving me the grace to release this girl, my youngest, into her calling. And, she's brave. And she loves Jesus. And, she's sharing her gifts. This mom couldn't be more proud.

Right after Thanksgiving our son, who lived with us for awhile after graduating from college to save money, moved out into his own apartment. Another opportunity to release. 

I released him to college. Now, I release him into his new life in his own studio right in the middle of downtown. 

Release is a good word.



4.  patience with self.

A year ago and more, I was all 'gung ho' about downsizing to a much smaller house. You know, simplifying. I was looking forward to an older home with gleaming wood floors, fresh gray on the walls, white trim. A lovely, park-like yard. 

For several years I'd been hungering for "new". New to me that is. 

But, I discovered so much mental and emotional blocks during the aftermath of the move and really for the whole year. 

Not as many walls to hang my things. My wall things didn't seem to go in this house. I felt like my creative confidence in making this house a home had gotten left in the last house (that I was more than ready to leave). 

I couldn't understand this and for months silently chastised myself for not getting curtains made (some still aren't) and for not hanging things on the walls. 

But, sometime in the Fall, I decided that my soul needed to do some work somehow before these things could easily fall into place in this new space. 

I've given myself permission to go at a slow and steady pace and it's made all the difference.



5.  art, imperfection, curiosity and permission.

Last March I took a three part acrylic painting class at my church. I invited my mom to take it with me. 

I remember the first night. The instructor said, "just do whatever." Are you kidding me!!? Do you know how intimidating and terrifying it is to look at a blank canvas having never done any "real" painting and being told "just start". 

It was a little maddening, and when I look at the pic on my phone of my first brave try at mixing some colors, it's a literal mess. 

Then, I took a Kelly Rae Roberts online class on mixed media painting. I wrote about this in an earlier post, but the first time she wanted us to paint with our hands I got emotional. It's like I had to give myself permission to make a mess with paint! 

I can't begin to tell you the lessons I've gained from beginning to paint regularly. Imperfection is encouraged, not shunned, stay curious, give yourself lots of permission. These are huge lessons both on and off the canvas!



6. birds and wildlife bring joy.

Right outside the window where I sit and drink tea each morning are three bird feeders and a bird bath. Sitting in silence watching the birds come to eat and bathe is a ritual for me. 

Watching them brings joy and a smile to my face. Their freedom and trust encourage me. I'm so glad I take the time to sit in silence and see who'll stop by on any given morning.

I even enjoy the squirrels who try to steal the birdseed and the occasional stealth deer at night that comes by for a snack.



7.  seasons.

I've been reminded in 2015 that things, events and people may be for a season. When the season is over, I need to proceed without judgement or regret into the next one, letting the curtain drop behind me as I go. It's only in letting go that I can take hold of what's next.


Blessings to you, friends, in this brand new year!

Love,

Anne

Six {ish} things I learned in July

Today I'm linking up with Emily Freeman at her blog for the Things I Learned link up. OMG. It's the bestest, most fun post to write. Here, I don't take myself seriously for some reason. Check out what other writers have learned in July over at Emily's blog.



There are several reasons NOT to write this post. 

1. It is already August 4th and it feels like July news is, well, old news.
2. the things I learned (or relearned) in July are not earth shattering and you'd probably be just as okay if you didn't know them.
3. I don't remember this one.

Okay, okay. I'll write my list of things I learned in July, even though this feels dated.


1. I saw one of the most beautiful gardens I've ever seen whilst waiting for the July 4th fireworks show to begin. I LOVE pinks and blues and purples together in the garden!

2.  For our 31st anniversary, hubby and I went to Minneapolis and we visited the Minneapolis Institute of Arts for the first time. Not only did we go for the first time, but it was FREE. (p.s. if you ever get to Minneapolis, you HAVE to go here!)

I learned that my engineer/marketing husband really does enjoy looking at art. I mean, I knew that. He's been trying to get ME to go to this museum "for years" he says. I believe him. It wasn't until I went to the Museum of Modern Art in NYC in April that I had an "art awakening" so to speak. I mean, I was really moved by the paintings I saw there of Picasso, Van Gogh, etc. 

Back to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, we had just gone through the whole thing in 2.5 hours. Our feet were sore, legs tired, but hubby was not satisfied. He said, "I looked for Rembrandt and didn't see him. I'm Dutch and I want to see this Dutch painter." So, we hoofed back through and found Rembrandt. 

FUN.


3.  Birdseed matters.  When we first moved into our "new" home in December, we filled our new feeder with a bag from the store called "Songbird Blend" or something similar. We had sparrows come to eat, but also Blue Jays and even some Cardinals. Then, we went and got a "cheaper" blend. Not sure what the seed ratio is, but the colorful birds are no longer appearing. *insert sad face here*. 

I haven't convinced hubby that we don't need to finish the 40lb. bag of seed, that we can just go out and get the "Songbird Blend" again. Oh well. I keep telling myself, sparrows or LBB's as we call them (Little Brown Birds) are still important!!! They still need to eat, too! Right? Right!


4. There's a restaurant we've been to twice now in Minneapolis that you have to go to if you go to Minneapolis and if you live there, oh my gosh, I'm jealous. It's called French Meadow Bakery and Cafe. We got their sprouted organic home made corn chips again as an appetizer. I think I died and went to corn chip heaven.


5. Here's a mini list of "re-learns" from July.

a. "letting go" has many applications---in relationships and art.

b. tears may come inexplicably and seemingly for no reason, but they come for a VERY good reason, so listen and take note.

c. someone who has done things a certain way for years and years, may one day up and do something totally new and different. (my husband who RARELY BUYS ANYTHING for himself bought 3 books at Half Price Book store last weekend-surprised the sandals off of me!)

d.  Daring Greatly (think Brene Brown) may mean you step into the arena relationally and find your voice cracking and tears streaming down your face unexpectedly. It's still worth it to get in the arena and try.

6.  I painted a boat. And, my mom wants to buy it. 

Thanks for stopping by today, friend!
Blessings to you,

~Anne

Five things I learned in August

I'm linking up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for her Things I Learned series where we share the serious and the silly things we learned during the previous month. Mostly silly. Five may not seem like many, but, hey, that's more than one a week!


1. I'm not sure if it's because we no longer have anyone in our family that follows the school year calendar, or the fact that I'm getting older (?), but this August went by the fastest that I can remember any August traveling. 

Our youngest child graduated from college in May, so no back to school shopping for clothes or supplies. No "new class" anticipation. That's not to say that there aren't other things we've anticipated (like my daughter's first real post-college job!)

2. Going to the Iowa State fair never gets old. Okay, so we do the same things there every year. We go on a weeknight evening when we can get in for nearly half price (we're Dutch, after all). 

us at the Iowa State Fair!

We take in the Big Bull, Big Boar, Butter Cow, the Agriculture Building to see all the garden vegetable winners, and get the free egg-on-a-stick from The Egg Council. (we are a pretty easy to please family.) 

Two of our young adults kids came with us this year. It tickles me that they like going as much as we do. "I wouldn't miss the fair!" my son said as we were making plans to go.



3. When my hubby planted tall sunflowers right outside our family room windows last year, I thought it was an odd spot, honestly. It's not the typical landscaping seen in our neighborhood. They are tall, the tallest one got to 12 feet, 9 inches this year!

I've decided that there couldn't have been a better place to plant them because I've had a front row seat to the Goldfinches that have come to eat the seeds. As I wrote in another post, they've acted like circus performers, hanging on, upside down, to the outer petals of the flower, blowing in the breeze with the stalks, and plucking out seeds. It's been one of the most entertaining things this month. Again, I'm easy to please!

4.  I looked on Pinterest and found a new knitted dishcloth design to try. Just the right challenge for this fairly new knitter. My first try, I goofed up and had to rip out the half that I had finished. I didn't fret about it. I just started over! I've decided that trying something new, trumps being perfect at it! 

The one with the mistakes...

5.  As mentioned in #1, my daughter just got her first post-college job! She's been looking since before graduation, and looking in her degree area of Advertising, applying all of the country to things that looked interesting. 

She ended up getting a part-time job with a church camp, doing their communication and design materials! I couldn't be more happy, because she's happy. She knew the camp directors by their first names before her first day. I'd say that's going to be a pretty homey place to work!

What kinds of things did you learn in August? Did it go as fast for you as it did for me?

Blessings to you!

~Anne

Ten things I learned in February

Today I'm linking up at Chatting at the Sky where we are sharing the things we learned in February. 

Here are ten things I learned this month in no particular order.


1. If you have a Valentine's Day date that is less than stellar and you find yourself getting a little disappointed when your expectations aren't met, look for the humor. During the evening I started noticing things that made me shake my head and giggle a little inside. I decided to write a little story about it. It made us think more humorously about the evening. Even my husband said it was funny.

2. Watching the Ellen show makes thirty minutes on the elliptical seem more like ten. I'm serious. There's nothing like laughing on the elliptical.

3. The movie Nebraska didn't do too much to glamorize my home country. Well, what can you really do with black and white? Although, Maine would probably still look beautiful in black and white. I recognized pivot sprinklers and corn fields in all directions. But, honestly, the movie mostly made Nebraska look depressing. It may be flat, but it really is beautiful farm country. In color.

4. Downton Abbey Season 4: {SPOILER ALERT TO THOSE WHO HAVE NOT WATCHED SEASON 4!}My synopsis is that it did end better than last season. However, I don't really like Rose all that much and she was in almost all episodes. I miss all the tension there used to be between Mary and Matthew, and none of her present suitors thrill me. However, I WILL watch it next season!

5. I am now classifying myself as a birder. My chair sits facing our front window and I've become obsessed with watching the birds that keep landing on our weeping cherry tree that is right at eye level. 

worth sharing again!

I've been sharing some of the pics I've been able to get of these little creatures on my blog this month. If you didn't know before, I LOVE birds.

6. Don't dawdle on museum exhibits that you don't really like. This month hubby and I went to the Eisenhower Presidential Museum in Abilene, KS. It was great, but there was a whole bunch of less interesting stuff at the beginning and it took forever to get through even though we didn't read everything in print. 

Come to find out, there was LOTS more to the museum and we ended up having to kind of rush through some better stuff at the end. Lesson learned.

7. The Nester posted a blog yesterday that changed my perspective. It is called The 1 Thing Every Home Needs and she suggests finding a space in your home that is no longer going to be a home for things.

I've struggled with clutter on surfaces my entire life, but yesterday, after reading her post, I cleared my table off for the first time in months. And, I truly enjoyed wiping it down with a damp cloth. Read her post. You'll be inspired.

8. I was equally inspired by Emily Freeman's post from Monday titled In Celebration of Slow. I'm not sure why, but I've often felt "less than" because I take a while to process things. I am a deep thinker and a slow processor. 

In this post, Emily gives our kind much needed perspective and permission to keep being the slow processors and thinkers that we are. I feel so liberated by her post. Thank you, Emily.

9. Writing a spiritual narrative of your life might stir up some stuff. Just a fair warning if you're thinking about writing one of these.

10. My favorite quote of the month:

"When we give our lives the gift of attention, our consciousness blossoms. Attention is an act of love, an act of connection. Like a child in a good home, our art responds to a nurturing atmosphere."

Julia Cameron in The Sound of Paper

I like the idea of giving my art a nurturing atmosphere.

Thanks for stopping by today! 

Blessings to you,

if you feel small

Today is Friday. The day where hundreds of writers link up at Lisa Jo Baker's blog for five minutes of unedited writing. Just for the fun of it. Won't you join? Today's prompt is the word "small".

Both my husband and I are big dreamers. 

We keep looking for that next big thing that God is going to do in our lives. 

We’re both looking and hoping and dreaming to have a big impact for God in the last half of our lives. 

It’s almost a burning passion. It’s making us impatient. It feels like an urgency.

But, I know the truth.

I know it’s the small things that really matter.

Even if we might feel invisible and insignificant now, we aren’t. 

The small choices and decisions that we make on a moment by moment basis are what truly matter. 

It’s those that make the biggest impact.

It’s the hand that we grab to show compassion.

The phone call we decide to make even though we’re tired.

Opening the door to someone in need.

Contributing our time to those who need it.

Sharing a conversation and a meal with someone who might be lonely.

I want to keep noticing the small things. Especially if they are done with a loving heart.

I want to keep believing that the little ways I contribute

with my words

with my compassion

with love

will really be the things that matter in the long run.

I will probably still feel invisible, insignificant and unworthy at times.

And, maybe you will too.

Let's keep believing the truth.

And like the coin, the sheep and the birds,

we are worthy.

What we do is significant.

And we are deeply and completely loved by God.

{The coin, the sheep and the birds refer to places in the Bible where Jesus tells stories of these small things that are seemingly insignificant, but are worthy of His attention. See Luke 15:8 and Luke 15:4}

Thanks for stopping today, friend!

Blessings to you,