For a few years now, it’s felt like I’ve been doing a
balancing act.
In one hand is the past, and all the blessings and memories that go along with it, and in the other hand is the future, with all it’s unknowns and mysteries.
Mysteries that are yet to be discovered.
Mysteries that await.
In one hand is the past, and all the blessings and memories that go along with it, and in the other hand is the future, with all it’s unknowns and mysteries.
Mysteries that are yet to be discovered.
Mysteries that await.
This must be what middle age is about because I think
this unsettledness about the in-between between the past and the future settled
in about the time that my third child entered college. She is now a recent
graduate.
For the three years that was her accelerated college
career, I was busy at home trying to reinvent myself. I mean, my whole career
was Mom. I didn’t have a career outside of the home. So, my job was now
officially over.
I had this dream to go to grad school. I even applied. I
got accepted. And, we tried to get employment for my husband in the city where
the school was.
For two years.
Then, that season was over, when my husband got a promotion into a job at his current company, and loves it.
For two years.
Then, that season was over, when my husband got a promotion into a job at his current company, and loves it.
What about my dream?
I still hold this dream of furthering my education in my hands and in my heart. But, I have learned a valuable lesson in the two years that we were looking and dreaming about moving to the west coast.
I have learned that I need to hold my dreams, the big ones and the small ones, in an open hand and not a closed fist. I need to be open to the fact that that dream that I thought was so engraved in me, and would surely happen, might not happen in the way I thought it would.
I still hold this dream of furthering my education in my hands and in my heart. But, I have learned a valuable lesson in the two years that we were looking and dreaming about moving to the west coast.
I have learned that I need to hold my dreams, the big ones and the small ones, in an open hand and not a closed fist. I need to be open to the fact that that dream that I thought was so engraved in me, and would surely happen, might not happen in the way I thought it would.
I took some time to grieve, but my hands are still open. My heart is still dreaming of what might come next.
Blessings to you friend,
~Anne
Linking up (a little late) with Five Minute Friday, where writers gather once a week to silence the inner critic and just write for five minutes straight. Last week's prompt was "hold".
Oh, Anne, I have held onto a number of dreams with that tight fist only to find that it had vaporized while I held so tightly. Opening up that fist only to find there was nothing. I, too, have learned to do my best to keep an open hand.
ReplyDeleteI had always desired a Master's degree and I actually began to work on it, but a move and a year awaiting residency in CA from OR and then found that I had to work 3 jobs to survive so school was not an option. Along the way, many years later, I decided upon another degree and that never happened. I moved and changed jobs and seemed so very lost all along the way(s). BUT Jesus and I met formally one day and plans are His now. Ever learning!
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Linda, thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story with me! It definitely sounds like you can understand what I've been going through. It's tough to have a dream that I thought God put there in the first place, ripped out of my hands. But, I agree with you, God is in charge of my plans and His ways are always good! Thanks again, friend! Blessings!
DeleteDear Anne, thank you for sharing this deep loss and yet this open handed hope, that rests trusting in the Father's perfect will. As He has told me in the past, "Struggle if you must, but do it with Me." You are in the right place, friend. Thank you for sharing the journey with those who know it well. Do you remember those variety shows that had a guy spinning plates on top of long wooden poles? Well, as a military wife (for many years), my life revolved around my husband and my children. Someone had to keep the plates spinning. That's me - the plate spinner. But when most of the plates flew away, it was a difficult thing to figure out what to do with all the sticks the plates had spun on. I'm still trying to figure it out, but that is when writing - the gift of my heart - came to the surface. And I know He will raise up wonderful things in you as well. Just like His Word does not return void, I believe our gifting does not either. It is there. Mine for it. I venture you will not dig far before you strike gold. You already have with this beautiful blog! Anne. I hear you. I know what it's like. God is faithful, and your open hand and open heart is already being filled with joy and purpose. I can hardly wait to see what He does through you. Much love. Luana
ReplyDeleteLuana, what a lovely, encouraging comment! I so appreciate that "you get this", it helps to know I'm not alone in this. And yes, when my kids all went to college is when I started to blog! It has been a real blessing. I'm grateful to be on this journey of discovering our purpose together. So glad you stopped by friend!
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