Thursday, September 20, 2012

Where I talk about the numbers on the scale

I found myself falling for it again. I've been going to (a very popular) weight loss program for several months now. Lost about ten pounds. Not stellar speed, but loss nonetheless. The last couple of months I've been yo-yoing up and down about one pound each week. Discouraging to say the least. I want the weight gone yesterday!  

I have the familiar conversation with myself on weigh-in morning. This time it's positive. "Hmm. I've been pretty good this week. I feel good. My jeans are looser. It sure feels like I've lost weight! Should be an encouraging weigh-in day!"

So, I put down my half full cup of tea (don't want to add any more water weight, just in case). I decide that, just to be safe, I would eat toast instead of my regular oatmeal. I bet toast is lighter. I stuff a banana in my purse (for after weigh-in), grab my water bottle and head out to my car. 
On the way to weigh-in, my thoughts are hopeful. I absolutely know I've lost weight this week!

When I get there, I have to stand in line. Two women ahead of me, but three weigh-in stations. I want to make sure I get the far left station. That lady is the most gracious if I happen to gain this week. My turn comes up. Dang. I have to go to the weigh-in lady that hasn't been too high on the grace-o-meter in the past few weeks. You know, during the yo-yoing.

My experience during my yo-yo weeks lately is that if I lose, Weigh-in Lady smiles and usually says something like "Wow, you did great!" Which is quickly followed by my eager question. "How much?" Then she would announce the good news. 

However, on my bad weeks, the weeks where the number hasn't budged, or has gone up, I always know the answer before I step off of the scale. (even though the numbers are only visible to Weigh-in Lady.) If I gained even just .2 pounds (why do I base my self-worth on .2 pounds anyway?) Weigh-in Lady does not make eye-contact. No smile. No indication that I have done well that week. No facial expression and no eye contact have come to mean the infamous weight gain. (Who knows, it could have just been from all the watermelon I ate last night.) I'm thinking, if the scale goes up, I am not worthy of a smile, or a "Hey, those things happen, you'll get this!"? Shouldn't those who gain on a given week be encouraged even more than the ones who lose a pound or even two. Every. Week? Just sayin'.

But. Since then, I've been evaluating my own mood, outlook, and emotions around this whole weight loss thing. Why do I place so much weight (pun intended) on the encouragement or non-encouragement of said Weigh-In Lady?

I know this weight loss thing is my responsibility and mine alone.
I know that the number on the scale has nothing to do with my worth as a person.
I know that God doesn't want me to depend on anyone but Him for validation of how or who I am as a person.

Weigh-in Lady's plastic non-caring face last week sticks in my head like glue. I don't need that. I am not paying money each month to be (what feels like) scowled at for not making the needle go down on a given week. 

I've decided that I put too much weight on Weigh-in Lady's reaction. And, on the number on the scale on weigh-in day. God wants me to have joy and peace no matter what I'm doing. Even losing weight. He wants me to depend solely on Him for my self worth.(yep, I said that before. I'm reminding myself.) Not on whether Weigh-in Lady smiles at me or not. 

See ya. I'm going out to buy my own scale.

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