Tuesday, April 2, 2013

When God keeps leaning

She said, "I've lost my faith in God. I don't believe anymore that Jesus is divine. I don't believe anymore that the Bible is completely true." What? I could hardly think. I hung up the phone in stunned disbelief. 

My mind just could not wrap around this new information. How could someone who called herself a devout follower of Jesus before grad school, go to a seminary and end up like this? Without faith? And, what was someone who was supposed to be encouraging me in my own journey-to-my-dream doing telling me these things? I was utterly speechless.


I had finally made the decision to pick up the phone and call her after reading a chapter in Holley Gerth's Do What You Can Plan. I'd been hanging on to her phone number for months with the intention to call. {do you ever do that?} I expected to get some encouragement in my journey to grad school. What I got instead was an earful of discouraging words. Words of lost faith and lost hope.

My internal world shifted. I started to really doubt my dream.

The dream I've had for several years to attend The Seattle School in the Counseling Psychology program. My dream of going back to get my master's as an empty-nester. My dream to actually have a dream of my own since my own kids have grown. Did I really want to go somewhere that tested the waters of my faith so much that I would lose it?  What do I do now? I have no Plan B-dream!

I pushed through some fear and called an old friend who I hadn't talked with in fifteen years. 

She was a blessing. She eased my fears. She agreed with me that this was shocking. She wondered with me how this woman had come to this loss-of-faith.  But mostly she encouraged me to keep going. To keep my dream. And, to keep the faith that God is working, speaking and leading.

Honestly, I've had more doubts about everything in the past two months and have not even had much creativity or motivation to write much on here {obviously!}. My admittance to the grad school is for this coming fall 2013. But, it all hinges on my husband getting a job in Seattle. And nothing is happening on that front yet. Nothing. {God, what are you doing?}

People keep asking me, "Why don't you just take online classes? Why not a school around here?" No. Not yet. God is leaning this school heavily on me. Still.

My passion to counsel women who need truth and a touch of grace in their lives pushes me on. I've told God, "I'm going to keep pursuing this dream until you absolutely say no." In the mean time, I am still waiting on His yes.

God-Sized Button

I'm linking up with other God Sized Dreamers today at holleygerth.com


  1. This is a hard place to be in, between the now and the not yet. May God's peace fill you as you lean into the waiting. Blessings, fellow dreamer! :)

    1. Thank you, Lani! It is hard to wait. Many lessons though. Blessings to you!

  2. Thank you so much Anne for sharing this. As I read each word I can see you talking on the phone; I can feel your bruised heart as you listen to a sister in Christ and I can see you leaning into the Lord for His strength and power to push through until He speaks clearly to you. How encouraging to us, your sister dreamers. Keep keeping on..keep writing.
    Hugs, Judy

    1. Judy, thanks so much for your encouragement. It means more than you know! Blessings to you!


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